Refute.

27^th April, 2015.

My pulses are beating faster than they should and it feels like my chest is going to burst out open. I am short of breath and I am gasping like a fish out of water, dying, events of my rather mundane life passing before my eyes like pictures in a bioscope. Ever seen a bioscope? Well, Google it, I am not going to tell you everything! Huh! Geez!

Hah! No no, I am not really dying, not yet, not today! Although I don’t know if it would make any slightest difference, but I am not dying right now, I have plans and I am hell bent to carry them out before time runs out. I have a bucket list, a love list and mad hatter list.  Tick tock tick tock the clock runs pass. But if I casually calculate, I have enough time, fettered with the uncertainty of the time yet to come. Calculating isn’t my strong suit really, and so my above comment really makes sense, does it? Hah! Now you are reading the above comment trying to find the lost sense of humor I left there. And now you are laughing that you actually read that comment. Heh! Human psyche and their assumptions. So easy to conceive into their preconceived notions.

 That reminds me why I am here. Assumptions. I see people have a lot of assumptions about me and hold misconception about my being. Now, I really don’t give  one fuck, two fucks, red fuck or blue fuck for that matter (no I am not angry or high, but I like cussing, I’ll explain), but I do like to refute and set the record straight. Or so I believe! And although I do know that I am much better than a common lot and that gives a lot to boast, but then, I am human too and alike anyone, I am vulnerable to criticism and misgiving theories. Let’s see what those are.

People, or most of them, or some of them think that I am an idiot. All of us are for that matter, in one way or the other. And I cannot blame them, for I am indeed an idiot. I don’t even disagree. But then, idiocy is a matter of perception I believe. Well, it is just that it really isn’t necessary that you have to be the depot of knowledge and stuff, super smart and philosophical. Even they tend to be idiotic at times. So, here I am! I have a good knowledge about human hearts, I am well read, I am boastful, egoistic, megalomaniac and perhaps more, but at the end, I am still stupid. Foolish actually. I remember this poem

                                   “Show me a heart unfettered with foolish dreams,

                                    And I will show you a happy man”.

So, I am happy! Yay! Are you happy? That is exactly what you need to know, because I see people, their hearts loomed by the uncertainty and they are vigorously trying to calculate the outcomes. For the love of lord, will you stop? And be an idiot? Will you stop with all those sleepless nights, haunted by your past and scarred by your future? I mean, someone else is trying to take your hand and pull you out, but you made that pit your home dagnabbit! Be stupid, burn shit down, love like an asshole and do not pretend that you are happy if you are not! Shees! Believe me, you are not the first one to bear trauma (I hope you didn’t), nor the last one (I wish you don’t) people! Like, seriously, it is not like that one of your own family member tried to kill you when you were just a year old, is it? Yeah, that’s another event in my life and I fucking survived it! Take it easy and appreciate what is being given, not what you lost. And if anyone of my readers is reading this, even if the whole fucking world goes wrong for you, remember, I love you. just be awesome idiot.

People believe that I am too quiet a person, unable to get angry, and I withhold my emotions, be it any! Yeah right! Baby, you never have been inside my brain! It is a world of chaos. Just under the surface, I am roiling, ready to burst forth any moment. I just keep myself under constant check. Why? Last time I let my emotions out to their full, I hurt my mother. Pretty bad. And words hurt badly. A lot! I made it a point not to hurt anyone else. Instead, my sole intention has been to comfort those who need it with my words. (That reminds me, Trisha was low again! Dammit woman!). I always am trying to tell people that if you are angry, hurt, or feeling negate, take it out on me if you need to, but stop hurting yourself, but I think I am not very good in making people believe that! or else why would it be like this that even after knowing it, some of them aren’t here? Well, they will be back. They always had been back. Yes, I have a broad spectrum of emotions and I got it from the man, as my brother has this same issue. We both are fucked up psychopaths in our own accord. We love to our full, we hate to extreme that it might get lethal; we can give our hearts for the people who we care for and we can carve the heart out of the people who will hurt them and we are easily misunderstood. Especially me, for I have “mastered” the way of control, people do have a hard time in realizing that if I am pissed off with a stupid behavior or am serious. Yeah, well.

I don’t have an ambition. Okay, I don’t. I have a dream. And that’s all I need. I want, nay, I need to be a professor and that would be someone like a crossover of Dr. House and Mr. John Keating and somewhat a pinch of Hannibal Lecter (excluding the cannibalism of course). And plus, I will open a bookshop, where you can read, write, discuss books. With coffee!

I am too sentimental. Nope. I am not. I am, as Scott. F. Fitzgerald said once, a romantic. I have that desperate knowing that nothing will remain forever and thus I keep hoping, dreaming, calling, loving and do everything that I do. Sure, it has its own disadvantages. I am always in love and I believe that everything that is going wrong will come back right soon. Soon enough. Yes, right now, there are some who aren’t here, irritated by my consistent and unfaltering faith in them and in my emotions, the unwavering love that I hold maybe is too strong, so much so that some won’t even see my face or won’t even recognize me, but why shall it mean that I should stop? I was, am, and always will. A man keeps his word!   As Goethe said once,

                                           “If I love you, what business is it of yours?”

So, yeah, romantic, sentimental, hopeful, asshole, idiot, psychopath, a mutant (have you ever seen me quitting or leaving people behind even if I should? That is a fucking power!) And always here, I know what I am doing and believe it or not, I am right! I cannot be wrong when I say, “darling, I was always, and I always will be.”

Well, I don’t know that if there are anymore assumptions or not, or even if I am right about these ones, I just was going through an old diary of mine and I found a list I was asked to make. I never posted this, but I don’t see a reason why I shouldn’t!  I do stupid things always and that is what defines me. I am what you can conveniently call a madman. It is said that madness is just like gravity, all you ever need is a push. I, on the other hand, let myself go, jump off of a roof and let gravity (madness) do its job. It has been working fine, and I know I will hit the floor, bite the dust and poof! Rishi Bhowmick’s gone! But until that happens, let not the rumors misguide you about me. 

Well, now I need to go now. Remember the first thing I wrote in this blog? Well, it is really happening, in a much amicable way than I wanted it to. But don’t worry. Even if it becomes my last entry, I have a backup plan.

Love always.

Regards.

                

p.s - I hope all are well with the earthquake, although, mother is in silly shock since she has a bad memory of my father being in Gujrat when there was an earthquake in 2002 or so. I remember her fear stricken face.