07th April, 2015.
Hello there my dear, agonized, taunted, traumatized readers!
Enjoying a fine April evening? I assume you are! Isn’t it a great evening? With
the crescent moon and the slight calm breeze, I guess nothing is wrong at all,
and it shouldn’t be. I on the other hand, being self ostracized from the
trivial banality and the vain, incessant vanity of the day to day conundrums,
and trying as much possible, to stay away from the vestiges of the regular
drama of the subtle things, am here, writing and trying to surpass the already
lethal days and obnoxious nights. Although to be truthful, there is no insomnia
anymore, I am having sound sleeps at night indeed, which is a rarity in itself,
it came with a cost. A cost of lost vaunts that was a default character of me. I
lost the way of talking, rendering myself speechless and the ability to think
and present some solution to anybody who needs it. As someone named me “Mr. Manipulator”
due to my excessive talks and solutions, I might am losing my ability. But enough
of me! This particular rant is about someone else, and I, like always, am sure
that she won’t read it. Although she is well aware of my writings, she doesn’t have
any interest about them, so I can write without being bothered of her knowing.
Well, how is it, how does it feels, to be replaced? To have your emotions replaced by apathy? hmm... well!
After long and arduous planning and programming, I finally
met Trisha on 4th. Trisha, a
good friend and a better person. I’ve known her for quite a time now, and it
was after about 5 months that we met. Now the reason of this meet was quite
stupid, and I have no recollection of the reason why I am writing it, but since
it has been eating me up, I might as well write! Maybe it was something about
her recent heartbreak (really, now I have to stop attracting the heartbroken
damaged people!), and though she is good now, coping all the banality the life
gave her continuously for the last 2 and a half years, I guess she wanted to
talk. Yeah well! Talking is what I did, but I will refrain from describing about
what I said, it is bullshit, and plus, I am more concerned about her, being a
friend it was/is my moral obligation.
Now, if I was asked to describe Trisha, it wouldn’t take me more
than 10 seconds to do so. Quiet girl, smart, soft spoken, good natured, bit naïve
but not stupid, doesn’t have temper or tantrums, which is not seen in girls of
her age. Yes I am generalizing, if it offends any feminists, go away now! She
was like that in school and I had this idea that she would remain such
afterwards. But now, I am certain that a great emotional push can indeed
replace the initial characteristics with something new. She too had undergone
changes that were not anticipated.
Well, in a nutshell, she had a bad breakup a while ago when
she was blindly in love with a good for nothing arse. I don’t have to give out
any details, but she was in a bad place. Well, if compared to the recent events
in my shit life that lacked any excitement, she was in a worse place. So much
so, she visited temples and places for answers, but as usual, the gods are made
of plasters and paints, so there was not any respond. And as she proved it, she
has much more emotional content than me; all kinds of wrong thoughts were
roiling inside her which was quite natural. What was totally unnatural was the
change in her. Yes, people change, but they are gradual changes, taking place
in their own accord and in due course of time. But if you go under a change
right after something drastic, it isn’t a good thing. I know that because, as
much it sounds unbelievable, I am not the person I was in 4 years ago. And that
too was drastic, even though I am.... Well, coming back to her, she talked,
mostly about me, more about herself. There were questions she asked, simple but
confounding questions, and for the first time, I was out of answers. Even consolations
found their way out the window and all I was left with were more questions.
What indeed was answered, indirectly, was the fact that we
all have replaced our emotions and attitudes, like something has been pulled
out of us and something entirely alien has been installed, and we lost
everything we had. I keep saying ‘we’ because there are people like me, Trisha
and others, in a huge number, who were something else and are now something,
someone else, just because we failed. She kept asking, where was our fault,
what went wrong? And indeed it was a good question, for all I know; we did our
best, made the feelings strong and the bond was great, but then, poof! With a
snap of finger, we changed. And why? She presented an argument, that we are too
kind and caring, we roam with a bleeding heart and that became the reason of
such atrocities. We are ready to extend our hands again and again, presenting
our hearts on a silver plate and that is what expected from us, so it was easy
to end. I guess she wasn’t wrong. But then, I neither agreed nor disagreed with
her. She needed to speak, and for the first time, I saw her angry, the temper going
at critical levels, though she kept her composure, I did saw her right through
her mask. And I was happy about it! Atleast, she is able to cope with such
shit, given the fact that the guy was/is still an asshole to leave a person
like her, and taunting her too! But I suppose it is her matter to deal.
I don’t know why I am even writing this, I guess, somewhere I
agree with her. Why? I don’t know, I don’t want to know, but I am sure that I am
not that guy anymore, I am replaced. I don’t know what went wrong, or if I was
unable to be like every other guy, with shit attitude and did not follow the
new trend to be practical these days. I do miss that old me, jabbering and
waiting for the evenings to come, now I am threatened with shit stuff, and the head
burns are replaced with nothingness, I keep my heart beating and hopes up. I guess
she wanted to know how I do this. Well, it is just me! A stupid, fucked up
court jester, a clown, making everyone else happy with my witty replies and
care. All I know is, we’ll continue to be like this and our hearts will get
broken, replaced with a void soon!
But she made one thing clear. Despite of her being another
Trisha, she said, and I quote “I pity him, you know Rishi! And I pity all of them, them
with the ability to break hearts after giving us hope and reason to love. I pity
them because, they might will get someone else, or they will stay alone all the
way, looking for love when it was right in front of them, it will be their
fault. We were right there in front of them, we loved them with everything, and
there will be no one like us! Atleast, we didn’t left!” well… I hope she wasn’t
wrong! She reminded me of this song by “poets of the fall” –
“why do we sacrifice the beautiful ones?
How do you break a heart of gold?”
So, this was all! I guess now I need to leave! I am high on
cough syrup and a concoction of honey, holy basil and ginger!
Ta!
p.s - love always!
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