The Monk who helped me

22^nd April, 2015.

So! There are too many things, overwhelming things, and I don’t know where to start. Let’s do it from the beginning I think! But firstly, I would like to send my gratitude to the monk I met at ISKCON temple. A random stranger and a perfect teacher. I hope not to meet him again, really I don’t! Why? Well, I had the world’s strangest conversation and I guess it is in best of my judgment to write it down. But if I needed to meet him, I will always find him in my sandcastle, which by the way has gone under a complete renovation. Spit shine floors, new curtains, and all new paint and cleaned up. I have been scrubbing the floors and now, it looks like a castle of a king and not of a madman. And the people in it, the will be happy to find the new things!

There was not a precise plan for ISKCON by the way, I just happened to be there for no reason at all. I sat in the hall, the place where they do the aarti and pujo, when I met him. 25, bald head, orange tunic and a calm, serene but confident demeanor. To be frank, my first impression regarding him was that was like everyone else here. The guys who are begging to god for this and that.  The men who might are asking for jobs, or for marriage or this, that. Women might were asking for the same things, you know how things are! And me? Wasn’t I begging? Wasn’t I there too? To be truthful, I was. Yes indeed I was. I was begging for everything I don’t have. After all, I am human too, vulnerable to such things. I am no better than the ones who are reading this and neither from those who are not reading this. But this isn’t about what I was begging for. It is about him and me. Was I destined to meet him, or he was just a manifestation of my questions is a different question entirely, but I do believe that there is a plan for all of us. Or so he said. I knew this, but really never paid attention to it. All I thought that why or how, not what! WHAT is the most important thing to ask?

Okay, I must start explaining. Do you want lemonade first my dear? Be comfortable and lie down, I have a story to tell!

As I said, I was sitting in the hall, when I saw him. He came out of nowhere and asked me, in the most polite manner, “is it okay if I sit down here?”

“Sure, sure” I said, without paying any attention. I was much engrossed to what was going on around me. He squatted down and fixed his gaze on the idol of “Gaura Nitai”. Visit to the temple, you’ll know.

I saw, or rather observed that almost everyone lied down completely in front of the idols in genuflection. That, which must offend many, made me laugh. A giggle actually. I was amazed by their vulnerability and I mocked them, when he turned to me and asked why I was laughing.

“I am not laughing; I am just amazed by their weakness.”

“And you? Are you not weak? Isn’t it the reason why you are here? Aren’t you here to ask something from him?” he asked, pointing towards the idol.

“I really don’t believe in god.” I said, annoyed by his audacity. Truly I was annoyed because he was bothering me.

“No, I guess you don’t. But you are here for a reason. You are here to ask something, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. After all, he is the one who has everything to give, and even though you don’t ‘believe’ in ‘god’, you do have your set of beliefs.” He said, looking right into my eyes. It was the first time that someone had done this, looking and saying what was really obvious. Normally people don’t do it.

“Would you mind telling me what you asked for?” he continued, now facing me, putting his all attention towards me. I was at a loss as to what to say. I really had no idea from where to start as I really wasn’t there to ask anything. But then, I would be lying if I say I wasn’t. I said, “I don’t know. I am going through a tough time, and it is not good. Maybe I want things to go alright and fine again.”

“No, no, things will be fine obviously, they are bound to. Tell me what you asked for” he asked again, only this time, he was reading me. I know that because I do that all the time, reading and trying to get to the actual reasons.

“It’s about me and the certain issues with a particular emotion.” I said trying to be stupidly cryptic. It was enough I suppose.

“AAHHH!” he smiled largely and amicably. Like he knew exactly what was it, as if he was my elder brother with the deepest knowledge about me.  “Hmm, well, I suppose there is a person involved too! Tell me; was the “emotion” from this person too?

“Yeah, I suppose so!” I replied curtly.

“No no no… not suppose, tell me in surety, was there?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, good. Tell me, if you don’t mind, is your ‘particular emotion’ clear? Are you certain that you aren’t just trying to conquer?”

“Conquer?” I asked him, now I was totally confused. Firstly this guy was a stranger, that too in a temple. The last thing I needed was a theological lecture. But it wasn’t so. What he said was philosophy and logic.

“Yes dear boy, ‘conquer’. Look, I don’t know what has happened, and I don’t even want to know, because it is your life, your emotions and your privacy. But it is easy to assume that whatever has happened wasn’t in your favor. And that has made you a conqueror. Not in a royal way, not like napoleon or Alexander, but it is egoistically. You want him/or her back not because you’re in love, but because you are egoistic. You want to win, but not rule or love. Sure, you are sad; you have the right to be sad. It’d have been very unnatural if you weren’t, but instead of doing it right, you embarked on a conquest, it will make things worse. Sadness, my dear boy is not a good tool. You see, everything is made to get fixed. There is nothing that cannot get fixed, because god never gives you a problem that cannot be fixed. You think that asking god or whatever you believe in will get your lost friend back, but how can he if you yourself are not ready?”

“I… I don’t follow! I do have hopes, and I do pray to the one I believe.”

“Ohhoo, but you are also being negative, aren’t you? You are losing faith and that’s why you are here. To restore your faith. But it cannot be restored because you are not letting it. You are so angry that you are questioning your faiths and beliefs which made you a romantic in the first place. It is like doubting your mechanic or your doctor and asking them to do it in your way. Believe me; the mechanic knows how to fix the car far better than you do.  If everyone knew how to fix a damn car, there would’ve been no need for them. Krishna is a mechanic you see, he knows your needs, desires, and he heard your demand or plea the first time you asked for it. But if you don’t let go of the steering wheel, if you don’t let go of them, it won’t be fixed. You doubt that you won’t be the same again, that it is over. You wake every morning begging, crying, maybe blaming too, but in the same moment you ask him to fix you, arrey! but first you need to calm down no? Look, it is relatively easy to understand in this way, this person of yours, was he or she or whoever, do you believe in his or her individual? Do you respect his choice and freedom?”

“I do, yes!” I nodded silently, paying attention to his words, engrossed and lost.

“When you were with the person, did you wanted to the person to be your shadow? To be with you always?”

“I did yes! I always wanted to be together, never leaving.”

“That’s what was wrong! You started wrong in the basic dear boy. That’s what is wrong with most of you, or us. We all start loving but we don’t see that we are doing it wrong. Loving someone doesn’t means that they will be your shadow, following you everywhere. If that’s what you want, get a pet for yourself. Loving someone means believing in them and respecting their privacy, letting them in their own world because their world is your world too when you love. But why shall it mean they have to be there always? They too deserve their time rather than always making time for you, for they are an individual entity as much you are. Their happiness quotient is not always about yours really, and neither shall be your happiness quotient be about theirs. If that is what it was, then you never were in love, it was just satiating your temporary lust. If you thought that your partner has left, then you are in the wrong my dear!

Suppose you and your partner are in a room and one of you have to use the lavatory, would it be good if you follow your partner or s/he follows you when you need to be extremely private? How awkward would it be?” I laughed at this question so hard that some of them stared at me.

“Yes, you see? They are really never gone. I used the metaphor to make you understand that nobody ever leaves us, never. In this world, the feeling of love and respect is too powerful. If you are in love, and if the person is not there, it is for the moment itself, and our lord Krishna is just doing what needs to be done. Our emotions are too strong and there exists both positive and negative emotions. If you only think that your love has left you, then it will seriously leave you and the person would never be back because you drove him away. Or her, whoever that one person is. But if you believe that they are here, indeed here, then don’t worry. Because you believe that your love is here, then it is a positive sentiment, and since your love is here, then the person will be back regardless how far they are, it is a bond we share. It is a bond you have made and it is really too strong. If you, without the slightest doubt, believe in yourself, then be happy. Be happy for whatever is happening and rejoice. Strip yourself off of all negating sentiments of failure and abandonment, because frankly, you didn’t failed in loving, you just made the wrong use of your emotions and made it toxic. Be free and happy and do not long for the person. Do not long because the person is right there when you close your eyes and smile, right in your heart. The person is just having his/her free time, knowing self. Let them be. Let Krishna guide you, and guide your partner, the one you think has left.”  He said, completing this long and arduous anthology. I was about to reply when he started again,

“You know, there is a poet. Jalaluddin Rumi. A Sufi poet. He said, and I quote, “lovers never finally meet somewhere, they are always inside each other”. Now, for him, his love was his god and devotion, but all the same, it was love! He didn’t went out in a conquest to find his love, he found his lover inside him. Similarly, your lover didn’t went out leaving you in the cold, she is right inside your heart, but since you have made your heart so corrosive with wrong sentiments that she might will leave. Let her be on her own, she will be back in her own accord. In the meantime, while she is out, I would suggest you to clean your heart which is her second home too. Be happy that she is not here for the moment and clean it, thanking Krishna or whoever you believe in that you got the time for a renovation. You do that my dear fellow! You will be fine and happy and she will be back because your love and her love are both catalyst to each other.

 Just believe in god’s work and his ways and surely believe in yourself and the person! HARE KRISHNA!”

It was nearly 7 in the evening, after all this, the guy murmured some mantra or something under his breath, thanked me for the talk and left. I never asked his name, he never asked mine. I guess it was the time for aarti or something, but I left too, I didn’t need the aarti, I just had the “charanamrit”. I had a final look at the Krishna idol, and after a good time, I smiled for no reason. I bowed my head, touched my heart and left. I had some work.

So, here I am, two days later, cleaning all the cobwebs and dust out of my heart, my sandcastle. It has been quite a time that the sunlight hasn’t been inside the rooms; I forgot that they are so big and spacious. I forgot that the castle isn’t made of stones and mortar, it is made of my emotions and I had forsaken my responsibility towards it. I was so engrossed in one thing that I overlooked the fact that the castle needed cleaning. A castle is as good as it is maintained, the reason why so many castles are in ruins today. I have scrubbed out every inch of this big structure, the gardens are watered and the dungeons now have lights with no dead skeletons. There is no darkness now, just bright lights. Truly, I wouldn’t have noticed it. It is ready to welcome and accommodate and as the monk said, I never lost my faith, I know that someone is doing what needs to be done, and I really do not have to fear anything. There is a plan for all of us and I just am letting the mechanic do his job, respecting each decisions made by the universe, the gods and the people who lived here and might have gone for a while. I thank you universe, and I thank you dear monk. Hare Krishna my dear friend.

All the love and regards.

The king of sandcastle.

p.s – I see your glass of lemonade is empty, let me refill it, I have plenty now!