Well, Fuck!

18^th April, 2015.

Hello my dearest readers, who, by my accurate assumptions are having a great time! As far as I am concerned, I might tell you the truth. I am high! Really really high. Though I really do not appreciate it. Hmmm… I don’t do drugs, not alcohol, weed and other stuff are neither in my reach, nor do I want to use those, they are lethal. The easiest thing I have is cough syrup. Or the more polished term is dextromethorphan, the base in cough syrup. Hush! Don’t tell my mother now! She already have enough of shit to deal with, I can’t be another reason of her problems. The shit is strong. I won’t do it again. Hell!

I feel, exhilarated, exuberant, vocal, and sleepy. I feel like screaming, or grabbing someone by their collar and ask, the fuck is wrong ? Though I am not hallucinating. Not yet, I guess the dosage was not that high. The basic rule is, if you are not a borderline junkie (I am not), do not even try to be heroic. I mean, what is the point of OD-ing and dying with nothing to go on with right? So, almost a quarter of bottle it was, in one go. And then we wait, for the hit. That sudden hammer to your head and everything starts spinning in a speed of light. Okay, not a speed of light, but a good deal of speed. Everything starts distorting like a bad signal in radio, the sounds aren’t correct and everyone seems to be lip-syncing with the static. I heard that people get addicted to it because it is cheap, over the counter stuff; I am not addicted to anything, so I won’t be using it again. Okay, that didn’t sound rightly placed. Will anyone help me reminding what am I missing? Or better yet, why did I want to get high on the first place? Dhuur shaala. Bhallagena. How do people manage being stable? I'd so love a talk right now. And maybe some deferred senses. 

This is some bullshit. Pardon my language. Or better yet, go jump off a roof, I don’t give a heck. This is not a story, not anymore man. There is no story, and as far as stuff go, I don’t even care right now. I talked to doc a moment ago, she said I have been laughing unnaturally, people say I do not laugh much, just a passing smile they see if they are lucky. Is it? I don’t know. You tell! You, the great common lot of liars and freaks and messed up bunch of people who know everything about screwing things up…..

Being high is neither good nor bad. Not good if you are in public or in company. There are chances of breakdown, and it becomes worse if there is none to speak with. Good thing is, I am neither in public, nor in company, hence I can manage any breakdown. Well, there is one, but  it is in better judgment that I shall refrain from fucking up things worse than they are already are. Oh wait!

Well, to be entirely fucked up is one thing, I know too many people with too many issues, but I guess I am better than a whole lot of fucked up people. No I am not getting philosopher or anything, but what is the point of existing if you can’t even be truthful to yourself? And top of that, lose hope for everything? Isn’t there magic anywhere? Is everything a farce? I am not Jack Kerouac or Morrison or Cobain or Marley or HEndriX. But in my sense of common sense, it says, you do not need to be fucking high to do anything. Nothing but a pinch of belief in your emotions and compassion will do.  You just need to believe that you are there and even though life gave you the sourest lemons, there will be a lemonade-seller around you, who might have the perfect recipe to calm your nerves. But then, it is an old notion. getting fucked up is the new trend. People get high for different reasons, some to have fun, some to replenish the bygone things and some just to hide their, um, sufferings and pain and whines and cries “oh my life fucked me up!”. I am high because I wanted to. And I am! But does it mean I will change within the next 60 minutes? No! I may am a stupid joke of nature, a creature of habitual naiveté, and probably the most obnoxious arseshole the world would see, with a crumpled heart, but I do not change, I do not suffer from personality disorder. I can hardly lie, I promise around people like I am selling some kind exotic chocolate and I turn I get…nothing. But I don’t regret it. No. I do not regret ANYTHING! The world needs a guy like me, a fool in the king’s court who will make you laugh with stories and mocks. The king didn’t laugh though. That’s a bummer. I am trying and trying, but the king sits on his throne, sad and gloomy. Laugh already dammit! I am running out of jokes! Even good old Charlie Chaplin ran out of mockery and jokes in the end. It’s okay though. I am hopeful. About everything. Even this, drunkenness cannot take my hopes away. Nope sir, not my hopes. Not my fucking hopes and beliefs and the morality that I always speak of, keeping promises. Hmmm…. Too many stuff to let out, and I am still not speaking up. I am still asking the gods to leave my sanity to the edge, there is no point in being sane and practical. I go around with my heart as the beg bowl, but that is it. Nobody is answering the phone, the doors are closed, and the castle is empty. Dammit, I need to sweep the whole castle now. Alone! Pffft…and here I was, with a little black book of poems. Will you please like to hear something? No? Well, sorry I bothered you and your coffee.

Well, I need to get going. I feel like puking. Fuck this shit dude! You people, enjoy your vicissitudes with the same apathy and melancholy, go on with your masks and hiding behind the curtains, your shoes are peeking out though, look down! Go on with trampling over a heart, you won’t feel the need… Heh…have a good night dreaming. Love for all.

Laters!

Oh and, p.s, do they give hangovers? The syrup? I would like some tea right now and maybe forgiveness from a dead spirit. Would anyone like some tea? Please? I do brew good tea! The door's open, and kettle is just heated, do come in darling, lets have some tea and talk!

i am just adding something before i forget, please opine to it fellas. which of the following sounds a better story for the next one?

Anesthesia
Letter from Past
Sibling Rivalry

Love!