16th April, 2016.
A thousand thoughts are spinning at a speed of light in my
head. Every decision I ever took until this moment are being retraced. When I say
every, I mean the major ones, the ones that matters, the ones which made a
difference for the better or the worse.
I am waiting for a text. I don’t know exactly from whom and I
do not know what it might say. I am just waiting as yesterday seems so far and
distant. Like it never happened. Or I am just suffering from the amnesia I think
I have.
Lately, my rants have become more self pitying and apologetic.
Something I do not do naturally. The rants are becoming something I mocked
about to a friend who had a penchant for writing like this. I mocked him
because I thought he was being stupid and hopeless, but now I see why. He wasn’t
being stupid, he was suffering. It was pain, although I know he might say
otherwise. It was him, venting out the confusion. It is me venting out my
confusion. And I know my confusions, they are lethal. I know after this, I will
go back to sleep but I will get insomnia and I will be tossing sides.
I am confused because I do not know what did I do? I seriously
cannot put my finger on it, I cannot pin it down to certainty. All I can do is
assume something but even the assumption seems illogical. The train of thought
derails and what you are left with is a meaningless presumption and hope. I know
my hopes are meaningless. But I carry on hoping. I know something is amiss but I
don’t know how to outrun the feeling. The songs are either very clear or are
just loud music.
I just want an answer. Why? Why is it always me? Why not
someone who might deserve it? Is it because that I care too much? Is it because
I put myself at the end and put everyone I love at front, thinking that they deserve
better? Is it because I have lost so many that the few are always on a verge to
make me beg? Is it? I cannot turn to
stone, I tried and it made me inhuman. I was being better but again, I try to
come out, I get dragged back.
Someday I will snap. I know. Someday will be the worst day
and I will lose my last bit of composure. It will be bad.
I wish it was easy to leave. I wish.
I wish that too. Working on it as well. I know I can pull it off and so can you. You know why? Because, we both have been through hell and still kicking. We wake up everyday, smiling at life, bear the beating, torment ourselves in our heads and fall back to sleep. Repeating same shit over and over again.
ReplyDeleteI wonder at times as to why? We have been at this very same cross-road in the past as well, then why can't we learn from our past failures? Because, it's their very existence in our lives that's been seared inside our hearts. To let go is letting go off our most precious treasure. And we can't do it.
I also fear sometimes that if one day I choose to walk away, will there be anyone chasing after me? Hell, I'll be back! But do I have anyone who's going to make an effort. I think and re-think, and I'm still unanswered. That's why it's even harder. I kill myself each day, everyday. Strip off of the little things that matters. Giving up everything that I once held important. And for what? Just so, I can prolong my stay in someone's life. Is it worth it? Is it worth the agony? These endless night? Such tormented heartaches? I don't know. But I sure as hell know that the other option is more painful.
So, what's it gonna be?
Kobayashi Maru, my friend.
You Take Care, brother, because no one else will. I learned it the hard way.