wait..

This letter, I don’t know what will be your reaction after reading this. Worst is you’ll never ever talk to me again.. the best thing, I can’t anticipate.. never was in this kind of position before.. the worst thing is, I don’t know where to begin.. Every time I looked at this letter, I thought of sending this to you, but I never found the courage to do so, perhaps because of the sheer respect for you and your friendship to me, I didn’t wanted our friendship so sacred, to be sacrilege based on this.. fuck, I don’t even have the heart to say this on your face.. so coward that I am writing this letter just after meeting you publicly.. before that, our whole correspondence was on facebook which will, I think, end  after this, but I really don’t have any option..

21^st October 2012, the day was maha saptami of durga puja, when I had the fortune to meet you after a long 12- 13 years or so.. by then, you were just a good friend who happened to be unlike any other random girl for me.. for the first time, there was a person, a female person who was not like any other.. everything you had was different..  not that was usually seen around.. then again we met on 22^nd October, maha ashtami, when you finally decided to be there, to spend the evening with me and ani.. after ani left, we moved towards home, where I waited with you at sheikh sarai bus stand for an hour..

You went, I walked to home for another half an hour.. thinking about everything, every second that I spent with you…the way you talk about things which I initially found irrelevant for me and my tastes..  as usual, I left all these out that night, pretending that its all nonsense.. I have just met you and its entirely normal for anybody to reminisce things which they find worth.. little I knew, this little seed will grow so large that it would be uneasy for me to control..

Then, strangely, as I find it now, our conversation got a unusual boost.. our talks became longer, wider in context, irrelevant however in nature, but very calming.. I started to seek opportunities to start a conversation..anything..god knows, if he’s there, how desperate I had became..my only reason for being on f.b was that I’ll talk to you, and luckily I did.. my fortune suddenly became favourable.. it turned out to be more good when you visited my home.. my god.. that was like the best ever thing that happened.. I can’t thank god enough..

After  this, I grew an unnatural feeling for you.. I can’t really explain..it wasn’t normal for a guy like me..Especially me.. I don’t know what prevailed, but it was good enough to sweep me away from my usual manner.. how many times had I thanked you for turning my tastes towards literature apart from those gruesome criminal things?.. the things which I never read seriously? But that’s different thing entirely.. you’ll now think, which I am sure you are, what the hell is this guy saying ?.. maybe you already know where is this thing going.. but I have to get it out before it destroys me completely..

I’ll try and come to the point dear bohemian.. for we both know, I cant keep twisting things and confusing people.. I fell for you.. yes you read that right, and probably I can guess what you are going through.. I too am going through this same thing..it grew silently, steadily and gave me a devastating shock.. it can’t happen to me.. not that it shouldn’t happen, It can’t.. atleast not with you on the other side of the road.. I found myself going through an enormous guilt feeling that was hard to overcome.. I mean, you were/are like my closest as a friend and it was like killing it, defiling it without empathy or remorse.. I tried everything to keep that particular feeling away..  even the thought of using drugs came in, but I knew that will just make things worse and I will be in everyone’s bad books.. that’s another matter.. the thing is..still, after all this time I kept you out of my mind.. well tried to.. but you kept coming back..like the gust of wind that makes you feel better and sad together.. the way you talk, your manner..(except the punctuality disorder and couple of stuff) your sheer childlike innocence with the combination of a strong mature person who knows to deal things with..your pure emotions for everything and everyone is worth seeing..best thing is, you can make a gruff guy like me smile on silly matters..which I hadn’t done in decades.  I don’t know how or why this happened, but it happened, and good or bad, I don’t know, it happened to me, of which I wasn’t sure of.. I always found myself void of that emotion, that I could actually “like”someone or the extreme, love anybody..

You always ask me, why I am so angry, why I hate love.. I don’t… it was just that I thought, being angry with you, I will see you as a friend only but I think, I was not the one who had a choice.. the more I try the more I fall for you..and the more I find myself in a strange state..even during the pebble theories a week ago, I thought finally!! But no.. you had done what you had done, and it can’t just leave this easily..

By the time you read this, I think, it’ll be to late..wayyy to late!! Maybe you’ll finally get a fine “pebble’’, maybe I’ll get someone too..worst case scenario, you’ll never see my face again, best case scenario, I will be the happiest person..whatever it is, I love you,dear bohemian, and ‘twas always thus, and always thus will be.. the resulting turmoil you are going to face is the greatest regret I would see, but I would be at peace that you at least read it.. you reply, don’t reply, scream at me, shout at me, or accept this, it will be your decision..i just hope that my endeavors to keep this friendship will stay alive after this..

With deepest love

Rishi..