why?

27^th November, 2014.

I have always urged my readers not to read these meaningless rants and to indulge themselves in more productive things, but today, my dear readers, I plead you to read this one thing, for I may not write as I am losing my reasons to write, and I need to say this! I may or may not know you people, and maybe that is why I need to speak to you. So please, keep your patience, for this one time and read. Even if you are just one person, dear madam/sir, stay for a time.

I… I don’t know where to start and what to speak, as I am just void of everything. Life seems banal and everything I do to distract myself is proving to be vain, I’ll try.

This, this winter is the winter of my discontent. All these years, I was living a lie where I thought that I am strong enough, but I was wrong. I am weak and I am hated. I know I am. The person was right!

November started in such a beautiful manner, so beautiful that I hardly can describe it with any metaphor, I felt more than alive. To be true, it was September from where it all began. I was happy, laughing on meaningless things, smiling on the road all of a sudden. Each day, I waited for evening to fall, just because someone will arrive, my phone will buzz and a text “hola” would be flashing, with a sheepish smile. There would be just talks and talks for hours, until we got tired and took each other’s leave for the night. There would be heartfelt kisses and I slept in peace! Everything was alright. Everything was beautiful. Then the night came. Those words. That one sentence “yes I will”. Even god cannot possibly fathom the magnitude my happiness and my gratitude. The person said “yes”, what more can I ask from world? My love finally got acceptance, someone was out there to hold my hand and make me a better person, human actually. I know what you people are thinking, but it is so special to me. She was so much to me. My soul mate and a part of my life. She said she loves me!

But today, all of a sudden, my whole world, my sandcastle is crashing down, brick by brick. There was my birthday on 3^rd, when she sang to me, and there was 12^th, when she suddenly left me, alone. Without any reason. After all this time, all those messages and talks and the emotions and the analogy she wrote to me, she formed a doubt if she loves me or not. I couldn’t do anything but to laugh on myself. I feel so hollow to this date and broken. But she came back, yes she did! She came back, we both were damaged, and we both fell for each other again. I fell for her again. Heh! Such a joke god played with my heart again. I put my faith on love; I trusted love and its purity, just to get broken one more time, and to be destroyed completely. I know what you’ll say, but believe me, when I say she was magic, it was true! I felt it when she was hurt, I felt her presence around me every time, and her voice is still deep within me.

But it is over! I will never hear from her again, my days will not ever start with an innocent smile, and my nights will not end with that one assurance that I am loved with all the pureness.

The person was right! She once asked me, if I ever die, how will she ever know? And she herself presented the answer. She said, “It’s very easy! I know if I stop loving you, you’ll die.  So easy to kill you!” and she did! I am dead. She suddenly decides to stop loving me because her doubts are too strong than love!

I keep looking at the road, if she comes unannounced, just to say sorry and she will never leave. I wait for the knock on the door and maybe a kiss just when I open the door! I keep looking at the phone, hoping that now it will ring and on the other side, it will be her, her voice that will say “I’m sorry, I’ll never leave.” She once promised me she will never leave, right after she said yes; she made me promise her not to give my heart to anyone else. That I shall be hers only! I was! Dammit!  And now, I just am alone again like I used to be a while ago. The only difference is now; I just am losing faith over god, over love. I am getting unable to put my trust on anyone for I may will be lied to again.

I keep dying every passing moment. I just have put a Glasgow smile on my face just to keep up with the times. But inside, I am damaged, broken, and unable to smile. What did I lost you ask? I lost not just love! I lost a friend, a trust, a faith on divinity of love, and my reasons to write, my muse and my happiness. And the worst part is, she will NEVER come back. She will never know these, what I feel now and how much I miss her. How much pain is it, the effort I am giving to look normal, when the truth is, I am shattered to the core.  And I know she will forget about me and the love I had for her will be meaningless. As I said, I am hated! I tried to ear her love, all I got was to placed somewhere I actually belong. Some place where love is not for me. I don’t deserve love I guess. Alone is what has been a design for me.

So, my friends, or if it is just one, sir/madam, try not to break someone’s trust on you. Love is something so divine; try not to darken it with doubts, especially self doubt. No such thing can be that much stronger than love itself.

And to you only, I…I miss you, I am sorry if I have ever been disrespectful to you, believe me, I love you, but I don’t know if I will ever be the same old person. I can’t go back to be just friends with you because it can’t happen. Ask yourself; did it needed to be like this? So many times you said you love me. Your own analogy for me, it was purely of love! Of love and nothing else. The letters you wrote, they were all of love, not of doubts, so, did it needed to be like this? Did you really left? Forgotten what you said? What you felt when you came back? I needed you. I have many friends, but I loved only you. You mean so much to me, and only you left. Did you really stopped loving me?

I am so much broken and so alone!

Just come back! We both are too damaged!

Bye, I guess.