painkiller clarity

31^st March, 2015.

You know, sometimes, a fall can be too much clarifying, providing you too much of a closure, unintended maybe, but it does. And I suppose that after the phenol incident (do refer to my recent post), this one surpasses every other stop events I have faced.

Coming back to my senses, I remember I said, “Darn it woman! If you want to kill me, do it quick and get over it, but stop leaving me after grievously injuring me or my pride at least!” now, Maa took it as my concussion talk, severe concussion leads to meaningless babbles, but I know what I was saying, and since the personification of death was an easy talk, I guess it wasn’t just babble. Well, let me start from the start. Since I am unable to move due to orders, and painkillers make us lethargic, I might as well write!

Two days ago, I had a fall. A good, injuring fall, though it is quite miraculous that I am still alive. People who have been to my roofs will know, there is a higher place with the water tanks for the building. To reach there, one needs to use a ladder. I never use it, it is already on a verge of rot. The place, the tanks, it is the only place no one goes and I sit there for hours, well, sandcastle. But that day, I assume it was pre written that I would be meeting yet another accident, a bit more injuring than the previous ones. I have become quite reckless in the past few months, which had become even more drastic since I have nothing more to do than reading, or studying or watching  TV, and totally forsaken, nay, avoided by closer fellows. But recklessness comes with a price of stupidity, at times our ability to think goes out of the window, or else, I would not have made that bad decision. I don’t make bad decisions easily, but when I do, it is hilariously dangerous.

So I went to roof for some quite time after a bad night of sleepless shit storm, and as usual, went for the tanks. But instead of my usual way, I used the ladder and that was it. The last  step was already rotten due to the exposure of years of sun and rain and fungi, quite naturally it broke under my weight (yeah, I am indeed obese now). That was why I don’t use ladders. Anyway, it broke and rest was done by gravity, such a bitch! Next thing I know,  there is no sense of equilibrium left within me, the world spun in a vertical way and I was down, flat on my back. Head hitting the hard concrete and things went black.  Well, six steps down from a ladder on your back on a concrete floor will indeed have serious effects on you if you are as heavy as me, but the next things that followed weren’t anticipated. For a good minute or two, I know I was lying motionless, still in a visual darkness, trying to think straight, but all I can make out was the cold feeling around me. For the first time, I felt this much cold, unable to speak, everything going dim and slow around me, colors of the plants my mother placed on the roof went from green to fade grey, not to mention the inability to breathe. You see, when you fall on your back, the impact comes from back to front, you lungs are hammered and they try to gain the lost air pressure, leading to gasps; and if you are a fatso like me, well, gravity x mass. I know, I have been there many times. Well, eventually everything came back, with a crushing pain in the back of the head, and the hip joint, and some blood from nostrils, results of impact. I still lay motionless trying to ascertain if I am alive or dead. The best way is to see if it hurts or not, it did, I was still alive, disappointed at first, for this would be again a stop event. Somehow I made it downstairs and… well, I think the rest of it is easy to assume. In short, my Jim Morrison shirt is soiled by my blood, the left eye of Morrison now has a blood stain making him look like he is bleeding from eyes. I am infested with painkillers, antibiotic, I am having a serious issue while taking a shit because, well. My head nearly killed me by the pain and I am still having problems while assessing things and trying to remember, or think, or read for long. I have a busted left shin and the doctor advised me in privacy, “do some pujo or stuff, your fall was to break your neck and you ended up with minor injuries”. Well, that is true! I need to visit the temples I guess.

As I said, a fall can give you clarity at times. The moment when everything went out and dim was probably a very, euphoric moment (no, I am not high). I was, for a time, out of this world, in bliss and when I came back, I realized one thing. I’ll be dead soon. Soon enough, sooner than you lot can figure out why the answer to “what is the thing that you’ll use but you don’t know you are using it”. My mother had my kundli made by some astrologer, who is good enough, and there it says, I have an accident coming, soon, and a fatal one. Well, I don’t know about that, but I will be gone before anyone even knows. Actually, though it was quite stupid o my part, I made a list of arrangements once, things to be done if I face death imminently. Well, I’ll make sure that no one knows that I am gone. That is one of the primary things…  okay, I guess it is my painkillers talking, and I am not even going to edit it now. I don’t regret it. Okay, maybe one thing. It is enough, these stop events. Either take me out for once and all or don’t bother me like after every 5 weeks or 5 years or so. In simpler words, kill me when you have the means or time, since I am not going to do it myself, I am not suicidal, just destructive and reckless.

And since I might not get the chance again, (obvious reasons) I might as well say, I am sorry to all if I have been ever rude or demeaning to anyone, it wasn’t my intention. And, I am sorry that some of you might have the misfortune of meeting me, befriending me, and later regretting it. And thank you all, for tolerating my useless rants and incessant things. And do not miss my presence, it will be fruitless. Well, world will be a far better place when I am not around, no one to irritate you huh? ;) all the love to you.

Ta!

p.s - willie nelson's gravedigger would be appreciated!