Part 1 - Part 2

29^th June, 2015

I know the title of this post isn’t making any sense but I do hope it will make the sense it is intended to. I am writing this one in two parts for various reasons, yet I cannot give one solid reason maybe because there isn’t one. Keep reading, it may make sense, or don’t read.

Part 1 – Audacity.

My current whatsapp status reads “basically I am dying”. No, not a false alarm, I am not kidding this time. I might am dying. If not today, good for me. There is this sharp pain in my left chest area, where usually the human heart resides. No, it is not related to anything else but a critical medical anomaly, which is followed by a slight numbness in my left palm. I cannot feel much and it is warmer than it needs to be, and pain comes and goes, being unbearable at times. I have been dosed with medications and am asked to be a bit warned about anything out of the ordinary by the doctor. There is one medicine that I have to continue for a year or so, and that’s really not cool.  

But what does it has to do anything with being audacious? Probably nothing in a macro view in regard to everything, but in a closer inspection, I might say it has to be my nature. I have audacious throughout a considerable amount of time. Defiant, arrogant, sometimes self destructing and with no regards to feelings of the people who may or may not care. For example, I had an exam yesterday, an entrance for M.A in English. It was my audacity only that gave that exam, regardless of the questions which made no bloody sense to me, I mean, how am I supposed to know which style did Charles dickens did NOT used in a sentence. Who cares? But I gave the exam and I don’t regret it. Well, it’s just my nature to be so, and hence, here comes the fact that even the verdict by the doctor doesn’t bother me. Not by the least. I just shrugged and asked if I am really gonna die. Chances are slim, but I have to be careful about everything. Silly thing this heart is. Pains both ways and now it really pains like fuck. But even now, I am just laughing at death’s face, I don’t know, if I am really gonna pop off in a few months or the world have to bear my existence for more, I don’t care. Maybe bit regret, but they will pass. I don’t know if, by the time this blog is read, I will be in a position to do anything, but since I have time, I will be using it.

Defying death isn’t natural and  is impossible, but pain can be defied, and so one can be audacious enough to make snide remarks and laugh giddily. Right now, while I am typing this, I am having problems in using my left hand, my fingers aren’t moving smoothly and I am making mistakes. I am sweating as I am short of breaths and that’s about it. But then, such trivialities are just trivial. It was my audacity only when I punched a wall continuously until the skin finally gave away, leading to a massive bleeding. And it is my audacity only that I am posting the picture of it (yes, I took a snap before the fix). 

                                                        this was fun, but i was reprimanded later.

  So there, I am (probably, apologies if otherwise happens) dying of a heart anomaly, I can’t feel my left hand much, I feel pukish like someone has placed a gag inside my throat and my head spins like a Ferris wheel, while my audacity defies everything. Death’s too easy.  Not bad eh?

Now, to part 2.

Part 2 – The Green Park Girl Parable.

As mentioned earlier, I had an exam yesterday. The ungodly hour of 2.00 pm, as the sun was burning the city of Delhi, it sucked all the vitality that I might have used in other things, like porn or something. Anyways, the exam wasn’t what I must have expected, and I don’t expect anything from it anyway. The good thing is, or what makes the title, is the fact that the train from university to qutub metro is basically empty, especially during the afternoons, 2 to 4.30 or so. I was awake all the night before, gazing at the sleeping streets along with the stray dogs that were on a constant vigil, and thus as every anatomical rule dictates, I was exhausted as anything. It has been a penchant of mine; I hardly take a seat in metro. I prefer commuting while standing near the door, leaning against the glass panel on either side. It provides a good view of the entire coach and sometimes beyond.

Now, I had learnt it years ago that truth is always stranger than fiction, and I always keep an open mind whenever I am out, looking for something stranger than fiction, and I am never disappointed. But I wasn’t expecting her, the green park girl. The girl who was dressed in algae blue top, black jeans and slippers, with a beige colored bag.

Humans are very strange, and curios. Especially when it comes to someone else’s phone and text messages. Those sheer want to know anything and everything, which always leads us to peeking in someone’s phone over their shoulder. And I will admit, though I resent doing so, I too am not totally void of that curiosity. So, being ashamed now of what I have done, breaching the private moments of a complete stranger, I couldn’t help but notice one or two messages on her phone and some drops of water on the screen, it took me less than seconds that she was crying. The empty coach, a few people so oblivious about each other, no one noticed. I did, unfortunately. It’s a curse really, to notice everything that one shouldn’t even see. I did. She boarded the train from Kashmere gate and to both of our misfortune decided to sit just on the seat by the glass panel where I stood. There was this strange sadness in her visage that was visible, like she wasn’t even trying to hold it back.

I wouldn’t disclose her message, I atleast can do this for her, but it was sure that she was going through a bad separation. And when I say bad I mean very bad, and it will get worse. I know it. I have seen worse, and she not even there yet. She was typing in a furious speed, and her texts were pleading, begging and everything a desperate person would do. Maybe there was reasoning too, they do it. Humans are basically stupid enough to reason with a person who has lost all the respect, care and the love for the other one, so lost that everything the person is saying is just a poison to them. So, she was just dealing with a person who was just blind. Now, maybe he must have his reasons, nothing happens without any reason, but why shall it mean that one shall deny any explanation? And what even bedazzles me is the question that how in the name of god can anybody loose love for one. And if it was not love in the first place, why not tell them. Why take so much time, building dreams in one’s heart and then bring a wrecking ball and tear it down so mercilessly because they weren’t sure about it, it was just an infatuation. So why not tell it just when it needs to be told, why the fuck kill them inside their heart when they gave the other person all of their happiness and everything without any second thought. Like I said, he might had his reasons, but then, if you were to break that, at least meet her, talk it out, try at least to be sure that it isn’t just a momentary notion. But no, oh no, just drop a message, and everything is done, everything is at its end. A fucking message, that’s about it, it doesn’t matter after all, what the person who reads that message will go through. At least one shall have the decency. But I guess decency is just an old notion these days.

Anyways, there was a time when I really wanted to sit by her side and hug her so she knows that there is still hope while she lives, that she is not alone. To say, that it’s not the end darling, not yet, everything will be alright in a jiffy! But then, she was a stranger and hugging her like that or even doing anything mentioned above might have landed in jail for eavesdropping and molesting. You know how it works.

Eventually her destination arrived and just like the way she came in, she left the train, with her shoulders slouched as if a heavy bag is on her back. She left at Green Park metro station; the last image of her in my head will be she walking up to the escalator before wiping her eyes. I hope, (god, I need to stop) that everything is fine with you darling, you silly little stranger with blue top! The train then moved forward.

So, there, my two part blogs. God, it hurts now, the chest again and its bad and I cannot feel my leg... Need to leave. Hope my readers are good. Love you all. Goodnight.