Fluidity

24th May, 2018.

I thought that installing the blogger application on my phone would make things easier, writing would come back. Though indeed I am writing these days, prolifically, blogging seems to have taken a back seat for the time being.

Anyways, that's not the issue here I intend to blab about, there things which are far more important and crucial, that takes the precedence here.

Now I have always believed myself to be some sort of an "out of context" person, ergo, I had this delusion that I simply do not belong to the present, I still lack the directions as to my whereabouts and my destination but there was a time not long ago when everything for me was nothing more than a bauble of no value. I can blame it to everything but that would be tad bit insulting to myself and it will disprove everything else that I found in the process of arriving to the present state.

In a very recent developments of things, I now find myself involving into matters that shouldn't be my bother. If anyone is privy to my being, they will know that I was detached from the very idea of getting personal with anything, one of major reasons as to why I have a dearth of 'friends'. I was distant and to be frank, absurdly disgusted by the idea of accountability that comes with any relationship. Matter of fact, I still do that, from time to time, I care less about a lot of people who were supposed to be here but aren't and who are here but don't matter.

Yet, I see that I have entangled myself into a  fine quagmire of relentless care and sentiments. The very thing that once had filled me with dread and nausea has now become my helm, robbed me of my self-imposed definition as a person.

But what I have learned from this, all of this, is that as an individual, our definition for ourselves hold no water after a certain point, they are bound to get changed. We might give ourselves a predefined idea as to what we are, in my case as I always claim to be a loner, these ideas, at best, are nothing but ostentation, a baroque title of some faux somberness. I speak for myself here but the point is we are not what we say we are, not always.

So, am I still a loner? Do I prefer to be a lonesome soul trudging about? I would say yes, although I might not like it. I care a lot these days, I cannot pretend to say otherwise. The only catch here is the fact that at the same time my claims are both true and false; I care and I don't. I stand alone and I don't, it depends where I am.

As for the present state, I am reconnecting myself. But I know there will be a time when I will break everything down and leave. But there's time for that. I hope there is a long time for that.

Regards.