Another Day

27^th February, 2015.

Hello my readers, I hope things are pretty good for you people these days. Blissful, sunny and full of dream sequences. As for me, well, I am typing my occasional rants here, which is suggestive in itself. I am trying to do be as human as possible, and maybe inhuman in other aspects.

So, after being phenol poisoned 2 weeks ago, rendering myself too weak to do anything (no, I did not drink phenol on purpose, but shit happens…), I was confined to my rooms. Though I did went to sandcastle for once (I will post about it later, those who doesn’t know, it is my roof), but I knew later it was a bad idea, dizziness is not a good combination with heights, it magnified the problem. Well, after puking a little blood, and infested with meds, I was left to do only a few things. Reading books, brainstorming three stories in my register, reading some blogs, some being too intimately close which took me back down the amnesia lane, and re reading some emails. Well, my physical anomaly didn’t bother me as much as my heart did, or does, but then, I cannot help it. Some wounds are too deep to be healed, regardless of the same old line “it is a phase”. No it is not just a phase, people do not understand it, and I don’t expect them to. Humans or most of them have a tendency to leave things behind, labeling themselves as pragmatic or rational, sometimes emotionless if things go out of hands. Well, I am not going to talk about it right now, I am in no mood. I don’t even know why I am even typing this; I guess it is due to the lack of people to talk with, and since I am hardly missed by anyone, I assume or rather hope that typing things will make things easy. On an emotional register, I am doing what I was doing in the years of 2011 and 2012, it isn’t easy, but I am being persistently sent down the road I chose to leave. To being invisible and a stranger face in the crowd.

But let’s leave it there for now. After two weeks, I finally went out. I was weak; I almost fell twice on the road itself due to that, but I survived, or just was lucky. Oh, by the way, do not, I repeat, do not try to taste phenol, I didn’t do it just because I like experiments, it was an accident and I am yet to find out how, it doesn’t tastes good. Where was I? Ah, yes, out on the road. I was to meet Dishant for some errands, which didn’t happen, and as per the norms of his life, he left to meet his better half. Eh, well, I am happy for them both, atleast for the reason that I was able to help them out. Being on the road always gives me clarity, and things to ponder over. Though a weak mind isn’t always helpful, but it doesn’t stop me from observing people. So many things! Like the mangy dog that barked about, the woman and her child, the fitness freak with bulging muscles out of his puma t-shirt, the dried eucalyptus leaves near the college wall, or the old rickshaw driver with hopeful eyes, looking for someone to hire him, the girl with a red and blue bag, blue top, black jeans and pink slippers at the bus stand. I observed them all, well, I think I might have gave some of them a creepy stalker look, provided the fact that I need a haircut, a shave and the weariness to fade away, but it was better than the four off white walls, the radio, the bleeding phone and my constant, hopeful vigil for any buzz or ring, only to be disappointed. Why does it have to be like this is a question that doesn’t let me be stable. For someone else, it is followed by an answer, a stupid and simple void of any warmth or empathy, “sorry”. Anyways, I found myself in a cluttered, disorganized road of Malviya nagar, pondering over the uncertainty of the events that has been following me since the 6 months, and the uncertainty of my own self. I mean, for how long am I to get this much lucky? Surviving these? Today it was phenol, and a freak accident, tomorrow it will be something else. Even more, I don’t care if I die, well; I am certain that apart from my parents, my brother, those two stupid guys Dishant and Veenu, maybe Shiv none will ever miss my presence around, I only fear about losing my sentiments for all the things. Especially after a broken assurance that was made to me long ago. Another human behavior I found, they will always break promises, well, nobody wants to be there for anyone but self. Do I sound too cynical? I don’t know. After all, sentiment was all I had. Uncertainty is a big opponent to hope. It will just make you lose kindness, love and other subtle things. Once uncertainty resides in you, it just takes the trust out of you and nothing will be decisive enough, pangs of doubt will ponder over. I was once there, I know this, might be more than anyone, and it is not great thing to boast of. But then, as I said, I am being persistently sent down the road I chose to left.

Coming back to home wasn’t a great difficulty, even with the persistent blackout and dizziness; I managed to get home safely, without dying or ending up in a hospital. What really was difficult was to type another text and hit the send button when I couldn’t even think straight and focus on anything, puking yet another time. I needed to do it; I am bound by a promise I made. I guess it doesn’t make any difference to anyone. Promises are an old notion, a burden to heavy these days for some.

Well, I am way too tired. Some meds are just for my sleep. Heh! My brain will sleep, but what about those faces that I saw on the road today? Or the strings of words and sentences in an inbox on the internet and phone? Those with the wishes and those with a plea? Jalaluddin Rumi was wrong once I guess… “Break your hearts until breaks open”, it doesn’t just opens, it becomes shards of broken glass, injuring everyone.

I am calling it a day. It is just another day. I need a strong solution of caffeine.

Regards.