Severe Cynicism Paradigm.

18^th March, 2015.

Well hello my dear readers, I hope the passing spring is serving you well! Though I intended to write this a while ago, some silly but inevitable circumstances delayed me of my rants and blabbers, so, here I am, tired and with aching head, but here nonetheless!

Oh, but before I can go on with the incessant verbose of dull and repetitive manner, there are two things. First, the similar warning or advice to people so unfortunate reading this, you can leave whenever you want, there is nothing good anyway in this particular blog I suppose, it’ll just bore you. Secondly, I owe an apology to two people, one being not too close to my being, but neither completely meaningless. I am inspired by their stories and it’s amazing for me. It has been a certain “ideology” of mine, never, in any circumstances, stand someone up after making a plan to meet. People who know me, or claim to, are well aware of my distaste for people who are either late or don’t show up or cancel a meet after a long and arduous planning, and that I’ve never did any of those three things. So, dear Narcissus and little Marion (don’t ask, I took the liberty to give you a nickname even though I don’t know you good enough, but you remind me of Marion for some unknown reasons and it is eerily strange for me :/ ), I owe you an unreserved apology for the Saturday, (I know what you’ll say Narcissus, but still) and I can assure you, or hope, that this won’t happen next time.

So, since there was no one literally to talk with, no one messaged called or even slightly missed me (can't blame them, i am not missed by one soul), the last few days were spent with my hobbyist-ish research regarding a number of things, mainly with Salvador Dali and surrealism. And to be frank, I made a passing joke about that particular genre of art which goes like, “if you look at a painting and don’t understand neither heads nor tails of it, you can be assured that shit just got sur-real!” get it? Sur-real? (Okay you can throw a brick at me…) I wrote a full two pages article about the genre, only to tear it into bits and pieces, assured of a fact that certain things aren’t for me. Though in fairness, now I am aware of the movement, the art and the basic history, so, win-win situation for me. Apart from that, the literary movements (42 in total) were another thing, along with the stupid hope for a resumed talks, it feels dull and alone these days. But this rant isn’t about what I did, for my daily routine is hardly relevant for anybody. My dull routine and marked cynicism can’t and shouldn’t interest anyone.

Speaking of cynicism, (I guess the title was a big giveaway), a few nights ago I got a message from an old friend. Old, close, but I am not too inclined to get any closer, yet, since she is a friend, I am somewhat bound to be there, it is moral responsibility that I abide by. I was, as usual for me these days, was reading blogs, going through mails and keeping a hopeful vigil for any buzzing notification, when it came. She, quite to my surprise, was down low on an emotional register, and was seeking my company, which was even more intriguing for me. Well, I am not a person of whose company one can be enjoyed, as it had been proved every now and then to me, and I am quite sure that it was indeed a great distress for her; I see no other reason. I am perhaps only needed when someone is in ‘distress’, and then any and every contact is brutally severed. Majority of them do that.

I’ve been recently told that I have a cynical attitude and that I am in a constant doubt regarding the general populace. Yeah, I am not that popular I see. Anyways, it is believed that I have a massive distrust for people, which I do indeed, but I cannot fathom the reason deep buried behind this particular label for me. After being accused of this, I looked up every dictionary available to me and the meaning was “a person who tends to doubt and question the virtues, values and sincerity of others.” Well, now I can say, people have a huge, erroneous misconception about me and people who do claim to know me should seek help. I’ll come back to this; it is related with the message and the lady in question.

Her message was, if anything, filled with regret and disappointment due to some recent atrocities she faced, especially in the matter of love (yes, I see I tend to attract broken, damaged people with emotional scars all over them). It would be the second time for her when she chose, to her own regret, another arsehole that has no regards for her emotions and heart, this one playing and leaving her stranded, in doubt and alone again. Perhaps finding no one else available or some other reasons unknown to me, she talked to me. Well, maybe in an indirect manner, she asked me for help, and I have no idea if I was of any help. Poor little girl. I never pegged her as a romantic, we were in the same class in school for two years, and I failed to notice that! My fault was I didn’t pay much heed to her that time in school, I would’ve known that. Anyways, she was played yet another time, and was sad. Her only question to me was, “why us?” and I didn’t had any answer to that. I still don’t, but I do know that dejected feeling. Oh well, if she’s reading this, I hope you’re good now, since you have a way to deal with it. You did, for three years, didn’t you? Though in fairness, your choice of people is debatable. You chose me to confide, didn’t you?

Coming back to the cynicism, I do question the sincerity, values of people in general, and that has a good reason. I don’t trust anyone, I  doubt people, because their actions and decisions and even morals, if any, always put them in a direct line of fire. Am I judgmental? Sure! I believe that it is not the behavior or manner, but the decisions and the subsequent actions that creates a base to judge us. I don’t care if you are rude, unnerving, smoke, drink, abuse. That’s your own problem and shouldn’t make any hard difference. But it is your decision and actions, that if you do anything that you might regret later which is futile, that judges you. I really do not think it is a very great thing to boast about when you don’t care about someone’s emotions, if you do something that hurts someone’s respect for you and turn something good into worse thing possible, unreliability! There are only a few people I respect and are reliable. I question the sincerity because I don’t see sincere people these days and it is just on the emotional level. People don’t have “values” these days, they find it a horrid nightmare to be even a little responsible, and they will take actions so wrong, which will be judged. I believe that the actions and decisions is always in our own accord, to either rectify it or try to change ourselves so that it shouldn’t give anyone else a chance to judge, or something! But am I a cynical?

So, I asked some people I know if I am indeed a cynic or not. The answers were too simple, like those certain things; too simple yet enough to satisfy. I was replied with a link to my own blog, insisting that a ‘cynic’ cannot write those, with such ‘deep’ mindset. I was told to read my notes in facebook, them being too childish, but assuring that cynicism cannot and will not lead to any poetic attempts. Well, a crude example. Explaining, they said, I hope too much, though I do suffer from a severe distrust regarding people, a cynic cannot hope because s/he finds everything meaningless, and thus hope is meaningless too. So, either I am a living paradox or, the people are plain stupid or misinformed and not willing to know, just form something out of thin veil of assumption. That being said, I feel what happened to her, the friend, was perhaps another reason to make me “cynic”. Yes I do question everything, I look for answers all the time and I cannot just let everything happen and not ask anything, my brain doesn’t allow me to stop thinking. People ask me to chill, relax and leave things be, not to question everything. Well, apologies, but I will continue to do so until I am satisfied. Try it sometime. I questioned that guy’s integrity, but it was futile. She will handle it herself I know, I trust her! I was glad to listen and provide some consolation and maybe some peace. I do that a lot. Talk and listen. They are my stories! I hope she finds peace, and if you’re reading this, well, you know where to find me. And plus you do have another person, more apt than me, who can and will always help you! I believe you will find her judgments without any err. Go and meet!

So, to conclude this ridiculous rant, I leave this question to the people, who might read this out of pity or curiosity or with strength to withstand such crap, based on all the decisions I made, of which I spoke here so crudely, the actions and the insanity I presume I suffer from, am I a cynic? I leave it to you all to judge. And I mean all of you!

Regards.

P.s – Damn, this has to be the longest stupid shit I ever wrote. I am sorry if your brain hurts, have a coffee! And narcissus, do convey my deepest apologies for not meeting and regards to little Marion please! Ta!