23rd March, 2015.
Hmm… well, this would be the first time when I won’t be
using one of those witty, snappy introductions or starts where I use intentional
leering towards everybody who reads this blog. As it happens, I am unable to do
so for some unknown reasons, and it might be for the good. This blog, or rant, I
wanted to write this last to last night, but due to an overwhelming feeling of
strange, lost sentiment, along with my bleeding knuckles weren’t agreeing with
me. Right now, I guess both of those anomalies aren’t a big deal, so, here I am.
It has been a practice of mine that whenever I am in doubt,
or if some emotional content or discontent ponders over me, I take a walk. I hope
by now, everyone knows about that so I would avoid the details. Safe to say, I needed
to clear my head. It was a long day after all! I walked almost all the way from
select city walk mall to Dakshinpuri, took me over an hour, but then!
21st of March would be a strange day for me, as
it was an abstract amalgamation of various situations and sentiments. And when I
say amalgamation I mean it. For with every passing minute, things were running
wild and chaotic, at some points it was tranquil and at some point, there was certain
anger with gritted teeth and pain too. Let me elaborate, though I know I will
fail ridiculously to make anyone realize what it was.
It was a party. A birthday party and the first one I’ve ever
invited to. Well, there’s a difference between a treat and a party, so, yeah,
my first one. The initial thought was to avoid it, but after a threat and
subtle persuasion, the decision was an easy one. I will spare the details of
what we did, because it is irrelevant. Everyone has a fair amount of idea about
what happens in such frivolous parties, it wasn’t too different from what I’ve
seen. Being an isolated person, or what I like to call myself these days, a
wallflower (the book, read it!), I didn’t have much thoughts to spare, I did
what I do best. Observe the other fellows, and try to recognize what I am
feeling. I won’t say it wasn’t fun, hell, it was amazing for me, as I am lamely
unable to interact with complete strangers, I did a pretty good job in interacting
and getting to know people. There were only a few of them, so it was relatively
easy for me to soak things in within a small time.
Now, I mentioned something about amalgamated emotions, and a
bleeding fist. Both happened at the party and I regret none! As far as emotions
goes, there were, fear, joy, anger, joy again, bit of sadness (wasn’t me, I was
completely fine Narcissus!) and the joy all the way, and it is in a
chronological manner only. If I were to elaborate (I might be asked to), fear
because of strangers (I didn’t knew Rohit, Karthik, Hitesh, so yeah), joy because
it took me 10 minutes to ease up and then everything was chaos. Anger, it
lasted for mere ten seconds, because it was really silly and stupid thing to
spike my drink with rum. I do have an acute sense of taste and smell, knew it
the moment I took the first sip, it was enough to make me angry. But then I realized
that it was silly and stupid, and that’s what made it fun! If we did everything
pertaining to cold logic and reason and order, world would be a lethally boring
place. Plus it was in good terms, and plus, it was a birthday! We are allowed
to be silly on that day! I laughed and carried on with it. That led to joy
again! Bit of sadness. Hmm… that one was not necessary but it happened and I guess,
we needed it. When I say we, it was the three of us, Narcissus, Marion and me
on the balcony, smoking cigarettes. We were curious about a certain things,
like why do I smoke, or why my knuckles were bleeding (will be coming to that).
I don’t think it is necessary to blabber about what we talked about, but I can
say this, if you’re reading this, Marion, you are too sensitive a person, and
the same goes for Narcissus too. And perhaps you weren’t wrong mate, I really
wasn’t smiling. But then, sadness was outweighed by the cigarettes (I like smoking
with my friends, and since I don’t have much friends.) I guess I don’t have to
explain the last one, joy all the way.
As far as my bleeding knuckles are concerned, it was really
not a good idea to punch the wall in front of them just to show off. Blood is
never a good sight you see. I was asked the reason why I do that, the answer
was/is, it is my anger management. Well, it is way much better to hurt myself
instead of hurting someone else’s heart and regret it later. I can deal with my
pain, physical or mental, but I cannot afford someone else getting hurt because
of my own discontent. If I can, which I do, I avoid being rude or idiotically
insensitive to someone close to me whenever I am angry. Words can hurt worse
than actions do, so yeah, I punch walls to calm myself down. It sure hurts my
hands, but then, I didn’t make someone else sad or something. The blood on my
fist made the guys visibly shaken, and perhaps after a long time I witnessed,
care. The rum did a good job on the wound. Well, let’s leave it at that.
So, the day eventually ended, like everything does. I needed
the walk. Initially, I did take an auto, but I guess it wasn’t helping. Paying the
fare, I got down and walked, engrossed in my own train of thoughts, a silly
thing to do. If you’re walking, do not get lost in your own world, the roads aren’t
safe, especially during the evening hours.
I don’t remember what was I thinking, but near the Chirag Delhi
dargah, I found myself singing ‘Do not Stand At My Grave’ by Paul wheater in a
low baritone. The pain on fist had subsided marginally. I kept walking.
Well, thanks for inviting.
Regards.
P.s – the advice for shaving wasn’t a bad idea after all.
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