Wednesday 30 October 2013

Haunting.- curious account of mutiny memorial..

30th October, 2013.

We all like ghost stories, don’t we? Human mind loves that.. the little thrill of the unknown, ambiguity… the sheer terror running down  your spine when grandma or grandpa used to tell you those haunted stories..

What I am going to write next is an account of my friend, Anish Singh, from college. I won’t go into deciding whether its true or not what he said, but it is worth sharing. That I leave on the my seemingly little readership ..

The day was 26th of October, Saturday. We were having our class on history of modern India, and the topic was 1857 revolt.. seemingly boring class..well, every class seems pretty boring at 2.00 in the afternoon.. anyways, during the class, I got to know that Delhi has a memorial for the martyrs of 1857 called the Mutiny Memorial built in 1883. A gothic style Victorian era building. Situated at the Kamla Nehru forest ridge, or to be precise, beyond the ridge, this memorial is hard to reach.. If you asked people for the mutiny memorial, nothing but confused looks will be their answer. Ask for Jeetgarh or Ajitgarh, as it changed in due course of time, you’ll be pointed out towards the neighborhood of the mentioned ridge, just a kilometer shy from Hansraj College, north campus..

During the class, precisely just when the memorial was mentioned, Anish poked me with his pen and said.. “bro, that place and me, we share a freaking history.” As usual, I thought, as every other boy will, by history he meant, cigarettes, booze, or girl.. but..

After the class ended, when all left, I and one other friend, Shiv and Anish were sitting alone in the room..Anish started his story..

“ Now, you must have thought, that by history, I meant something usual..! but this place had played with my head so hard, that I still find it hard to believe what happened that night..
During the 2nd year, I went to north campus to attend a seminar on history.. Since we hardly knew each other, I didn’t find it necessary to tell anyone about it.. Anyways, it was probably after the 1st half of the exams.. winter was just weeks away, but the chills could be felt already.. The seminar was to be held at Hansraj, I informed my parents that I would come home late, like around 12.00 or something in the night. I arrived there early with five other friends of mine, and we decided to roam around before the seminar started.. I’ve heard about the memorial and decided to visit it.. after asking people around for about an hour, our perilous quest ended and finally, there it was.. During roaming around it, we heard that the place is haunted, some say that there is something which comes around in the night...DAAMNN.. all six of us had the same thing in our head..
The decision was unanimous and instantaneous..

The seminar ended around 10.30 pm.. The air was freaking chilly, like it was piercing through our bodies to our bones.. Since the ridge was just about  a kilometer from the college, we agreed to walk.. it took us almost 45-50 minutes to reach there, considering the dark and the forested area, our speed was slow. Duirng that time, we took an oath..(lame it was, but the spirit of adventure..) that whatever happens, none of us will run.. when we reached there, we found exactly what we expected..nothing..just a huge tower standing in the dark..well what were we going to find any way?? Some old hag with an owl??

Well, after a while hanging out there, suddenly I started abusing the alleged “ghost”..that if he didn’t show up right now, it’s gonna be messy and stuff like that..it was just a joke..
Suddenly, one of us stopped abruptly, his eyes glued to the base of the tower..since the rest of us had our backs to the tower, we didn’t figure out what was happening..our friend was talking slow back steps..suddenly he stopped and said, ‘guys, run!’.. we lauged. “Yeah right, like some vampire is just behind us,ready to jump and drain our blood out..”
He didn’t stopped, said “RUN GUYS,JUST FUCKING RUN!!!’’ saying this, he gained speed and vanished into the ridge ahead..enough i thought, and we looked back at the tower.

It took just a millisecond to see what was there, enough to make our blood drain out and run for our life.. Just near the entrance to the tower..there was a man..a European male..all dressed in royal army uniform.. red coat, pants, an Enfield rifle in his hand, standing in position..waiting to leave at orders.. the only thing that was missing was his bloody HEAD. He didn’t move or anything, just standing there on guard..the next thing I remember was that I was gasping for breath, my heart was like coming out of my mouth, legs were like tearing apart, bleeding from the scratches I got from the shrubberies...bathed in sweat,standing in front of Hansraj gate. I was oblivious of the whereabouts of my friend.. that night, I covered the whole distance within less than 10 minutes. Then I fainted… that night I reached home with tremendous effort..could not shut my eyes for the night

Next morning I went to the psychiatrist at Delhi cantt. I told him about the whole incident.. he did what every doctor does.. labeling it as a hallucination.. fine.. I said.. but then I asked..if it were just me, I would’ve agreed..but doc, how are you going to explain the fact that all 6 of us saw the same freaking thing?? Response was obvious..nothing……”

Here ends Anish’s  account… he said, even after that, he was never afraid of the dark.
But the only thing that creeps up his mind every night is the question.. “THE HELL DID I SAW??”
And if he gets another chance, he’d surely visit the place just to quench his thirst for the only unanswered event of his life..

I don’t know if the account was real or fake, but personally,  I’d want it to be true, but remain unanswered.





The Mutiny Memorial at Jeetgarh, Delhi.

Wednesday 23 October 2013

the post dashami crisis..realizations and hopes

23rd October, 2013.

It is strange how a seemingly small matter can become a turning key of your life.. As I write this down, I find myself in between a rock and a hard place.. something happened which shouldn't have and I am like crushed under an avalanche of emotions..

My previous blogs were about, if I remember it correctly, the pujo's (durga pujo) reminiscence and realizations..the way my previous pujos were and what I've realized in its course..the impacts on my life..who knew, that this pujo was going to be this much extravagant in nature..? Extraordinary things were coursed in the way of my rather pathetic life.. Everything I believed in was to be shattered in one single blow, which did happened..

The durga pujo, has 4 consecutive days of celebration..Shapatami, ashtami, navami and dashami… this year, the pujo was not going as I expected it to be.. my whole plans and schedules were crushed and changed, but it didn’t mattered as later, it was made up.. not to my mark of expectations, I agree, but still.. I mean, its festive seasons and plus, I can’t hold up a grudge for long.

Everything was just fine until the last day of the celebrations, fights were over, hearts were won again, teary apologies and unsaid forgiveness were followed.. but little I knew that Dashami was going to be the day I both resented and waited upon for years.. I fell in love with the most beautiful person I met.. Following a protocol, I won’t be calling her name, but the title I gave her- bohemian.. for reasons I better keep to me.. Back in my school days, I’ve always been resentful towards the notion of “love”.. for me it was a waste of time, talents,resources, and everything creative.. I had always kept myself divorced from it, pissed off on some reasons.. but then, a naïve mind always gets the image of everything it hates as degrading and unworthy. Even in the initial days of my college, I pretended to be an agonistic narcissist guy, with a very little empathy.. but I guess, fate had something else for me..

On dashami, id est., the last day of pujo, bohemian told me that she had been asked out by a friend of ours, that he asked for her hand, she agreed and then suddenly recoiled and declined his proposal.. in a whirlwind she was…the guy who asked her accused of being impractical and deceitful person..(A b*tch in normal language).. well, to be truthful, she is little cranked up for others.. just another girl next door.. me? If you ask, she is more than normal.. why she did it, rejected him, and hurt herself is beyond my authority to judge.. she told me, vaguely, that she had a reason, but I didn’t dared to ask, I knew the answer she’d give will rouse my unwanted curiosity…

Anyways, that moment.. when she told me that she was proposed and she bailed out, I was almost devastated.. the I realized, even I had denied it in front of my friends, I’ve in love with her from the very beginning.. from the moment I met her, I’ve heels over head for her.. for 4 years I kept it inside me.. I just wrote a letter for her with my feelings, but never posted it.. just looked at it and thought that I will send it one day.. I will tell her that I love her from the last point of my heart.. not like the hindi movies, but the kind of love that comes all of a sudden, and wrings your heart, but never found the courage. But that evening, the dam holding the emotions broke out..a flood was ensued.. I decided to give her the letter, without any expectations for a reply.. she read, but to my amazement, she didn’t threw a tantrum like normal people do.. man.. a girl she is..

Anyways, I told her that coming November, it’s gonna be official..she panicked, as a concerned friend, she asked that why am I doing this?? I know that she is going to say no, why don’t I save myself from the heartbreak and false hopes..?? hah..!! lady, if you are reading this..you know how persistent I am,don’t you ?? and who knows, may your heart change your decision..you do take your decisions from your heart, don’t you??

She mentioned that the guy had broken all the contacts and ties with her..that to being a childhood friend.. said that she had cheated on him..but what she actually wanted, was to ask me if I am going to do the same thing if she rejects?..if I had my way,my dear, I would leave my heart with you as a promise that whatever happens, I’ll be there, even if it’s just to annoy you..but leaving you?? Never..!!

Summing up.. I hope that for the first time, if there is god, he answers my prayers..i would need it badly..Readers, who have been bored by now I guess, pray for me..

Good night..

Monday 14 October 2013

wait..

This letter, I don’t know what will be your reaction after reading this. Worst is you’ll never ever talk to me again.. the best thing, I can’t anticipate.. never was in this kind of position before.. the worst thing is, I don’t know where to begin.. Every time I looked at this letter, I thought of sending this to you, but I never found the courage to do so, perhaps because of the sheer respect for you and your friendship to me, I didn’t wanted our friendship so sacred, to be sacrilege based on this.. fuck, I don’t even have the heart to say this on your face.. so coward that I am writing this letter just after meeting you publicly.. before that, our whole correspondence was on facebook which will, I think, end  after this, but I really don’t have any option..

21st October 2012, the day was maha saptami of durga puja, when I had the fortune to meet you after a long 12- 13 years or so.. by then, you were just a good friend who happened to be unlike any other random girl for me.. for the first time, there was a person, a female person who was not like any other.. everything you had was different..  not that was usually seen around.. then again we met on 22nd October, maha ashtami, when you finally decided to be there, to spend the evening with me and ani.. after ani left, we moved towards home, where I waited with you at sheikh sarai bus stand for an hour..
You went, I walked to home for another half an hour.. thinking about everything, every second that I spent with you…the way you talk about things which I initially found irrelevant for me and my tastes..  as usual, I left all these out that night, pretending that its all nonsense.. I have just met you and its entirely normal for anybody to reminisce things which they find worth.. little I knew, this little seed will grow so large that it would be uneasy for me to control..
Then, strangely, as I find it now, our conversation got a unusual boost.. our talks became longer, wider in context, irrelevant however in nature, but very calming.. I started to seek opportunities to start a conversation..anything..god knows, if he’s there, how desperate I had became..my only reason for being on f.b was that I’ll talk to you, and luckily I did.. my fortune suddenly became favourable.. it turned out to be more good when you visited my home.. my god.. that was like the best ever thing that happened.. I can’t thank god enough..
After  this, I grew an unnatural feeling for you.. I can’t really explain..it wasn’t normal for a guy like me..Especially me.. I don’t know what prevailed, but it was good enough to sweep me away from my usual manner.. how many times had I thanked you for turning my tastes towards literature apart from those gruesome criminal things?.. the things which I never read seriously? But that’s different thing entirely.. you’ll now think, which I am sure you are, what the hell is this guy saying ?.. maybe you already know where is this thing going.. but I have to get it out before it destroys me completely..

I’ll try and come to the point dear bohemian.. for we both know, I cant keep twisting things and confusing people.. I fell for you.. yes you read that right, and probably I can guess what you are going through.. I too am going through this same thing..it grew silently, steadily and gave me a devastating shock.. it can’t happen to me.. not that it shouldn’t happen, It can’t.. atleast not with you on the other side of the road.. I found myself going through an enormous guilt feeling that was hard to overcome.. I mean, you were/are like my closest as a friend and it was like killing it, defiling it without empathy or remorse.. I tried everything to keep that particular feeling away..  even the thought of using drugs came in, but I knew that will just make things worse and I will be in everyone’s bad books.. that’s another matter.. the thing is..still, after all this time I kept you out of my mind.. well tried to.. but you kept coming back..like the gust of wind that makes you feel better and sad together.. the way you talk, your manner..(except the punctuality disorder and couple of stuff) your sheer childlike innocence with the combination of a strong mature person who knows to deal things with..your pure emotions for everything and everyone is worth seeing..best thing is, you can make a gruff guy like me smile on silly matters..which I hadn’t done in decades.  I don’t know how or why this happened, but it happened, and good or bad, I don’t know, it happened to me, of which I wasn’t sure of.. I always found myself void of that emotion, that I could actually “like”someone or the extreme, love anybody..
You always ask me, why I am so angry, why I hate love.. I don’t… it was just that I thought, being angry with you, I will see you as a friend only but I think, I was not the one who had a choice.. the more I try the more I fall for you..and the more I find myself in a strange state..even during the pebble theories a week ago, I thought finally!! But no.. you had done what you had done, and it can’t just leave this easily..

By the time you read this, I think, it’ll be to late..wayyy to late!! Maybe you’ll finally get a fine “pebble’’, maybe I’ll get someone too..worst case scenario, you’ll never see my face again, best case scenario, I will be the happiest person..whatever it is, I love you,dear bohemian, and ‘twas always thus, and always thus will be.. the resulting turmoil you are going to face is the greatest regret I would see, but I would be at peace that you at least read it.. you reply, don’t reply, scream at me, shout at me, or accept this, it will be your decision..i just hope that my endeavors to keep this friendship will stay alive after this..

With deepest love

Rishi..

Sunday 13 October 2013

Sorry..?

13th October, 2013

If you are reading this, which I am partially certain of, I am writing this on a blog post because I don’t know what else to do.. suffering from social phobia, as they call it, I always try to avoid  public speaking; so it’ll take a little time,ektu dhoirjyo dhore porish..

Last evening when we met, I was resolute that I’d avoid any conversation with you, and if it compels, the talk would be short.. I was irrationally angry. Even thought of screaming at you on the top of my lungs..thought you at least deserve this much after the previous incident. Deliberately tried the subtle scoldings.. my  anger, if I may  hope you know, is my weakest side.. I can’t control it..
But I guess, among the other temporary things, this particular emotion also fades away after a time..

Please don’t think that I am trying to be modest or trying to flatter you, as I think both of them are perversion of the literal truth.. so what you’ll be reading next is really hard for me to write..
When we’re crossing Chirag delhi area, I stole a glance or two at you..well..to be frank,it was not intentional.. while talking, Shushobhan twice mentioned that you’re  fatigued by the  roaming around..  maybe..he saw what he saw, or what he wanted to see.. I saw something else. Were your eyes gleaming with tears?? Like you were on the verge of bursting into sobs.. thrice you cleared your eyes.. It didn’t went unnoticed you know.. that moment was like a kick to me..

If I leave the last year out, when we met the first time in a night like this one, we’ve been in contact for almost 4 years.. last night, after I reached home and was sleepless, I realised that you, my dear, are the closest person who I can call a friend.. well, you were almost on all occasions, were there when I called or needed you.. In years, the only person after my parents and bhai, were you with whom I babbled like anything.. fights, talks, poor jokes, dilemma solving, advices anything..all of these were with you only..
I don’t know about me. But you made yourself a person with whom I can actually talk with a confident heart and respect.. you may don’t have an idea what is it like to be without any best friend or a normal one either..
It wasn’t just fatigue that was on your face that I saw, it was your entire emotion out (believe me, you cannot hide that).
You may think, if I saw all these, why I didn’t talked then? What was the reason of silence? It wasn’t my anger, it was my disappointment with me..partially you too, for the shasti thing, but that was overlapped with mine.. like the person has been genuinely the best to me is going through some turmoil and the immediate reason was me only.. guilt acts in some strange manner.. I couldn’t talk to you, I knew it won’t help right then..

Shushobhan told me the other day, that he noticed an unnatural love-hate nature between us..i am always bullying you, you are always bullying me and then we make up.. for him this was the greatest sign of a strong friendship.. you remember when during you pebble dilemma messages, you told me that you are like on a journey and yet, you will always look back on me? Even if it meant just to annoy the hell out of me?
So, ending this long boring thing, I would just say, I’m sorry.. I was angry with you because I don’t have any other precise emotion to deal things..and plus I’ve the deepest love for you (you understand what I’m talking about,right?)  I’ve been a narcissist person and will continue to be, but that does not give me the authority to be angry with you for longer than 2 days.. I’ve been very demanding,  hard, complaining, but it was never my intention to hurt you..it never will be.i am not that bad.. I hope after reading this, wholly, I will have my little friend back again..

Always yours,
 Mr. Holmes

p.s now I think there’s another emotion in me :/