Sticky note #30

30th September, 2017.

So I'm at the finality of this insipid, dull and somewhat rancid series of small sized rants. I don't know what promoted me to write this, I do not remember the exact reason behind this, which is a bit of an anomaly for me. Regardless of the claims that I make about my randomness about things, I know that my blogs are always fueled by one reason or the other, most of them are my frustration against the dull world of mundane trivialities and the vicissitudes that I ineptly try to tackle and lose without a cause.

So what did all these led to? All these ungodly, unholy and borderlining complaints that I might have made here over the last one month might have consisted some insight or atleast a better result.. the answer still eludes me, I see no point of any of this as of yet, maybe one day I will.

The same cannot be said about the existing month though, which still has 2 solid hours to expire and move towards October. As of right now, at this moment, when I look at the last 30 days, I see a wave of unnatural developments, around me and within me. If observed carefully, one can actually see the changes one must have in order to move, and as an introspection I see that this month has been undoing me and redefining me to myself, though I'm not sure if anyone else has noticed the same. I grew weary of people and as surprising as it gets, I am falling apart from the notions of words like relationship, promises, expectations etc. I wasn't even hoping for anything, but the responses aren't really disappointing.

Now I wouldn't claim that I have lost or am not expecting anything from anyone, I myself have mentioned elsewhere that it is one of the most blatant lie there is, however, I have stopped it to an extent or rather, I have changed the parameters of the same. Maybe successfully, I have learnt to negate a very certain sort of pent up dreams and 'what if'. Yet again, as a person who has been advocating hope and never giving up, I am clueless of my own inhibitions and the consequences, which are far away yet, haunt me.

The banality of everything that comes as a bonus to me with the absolute yellowness instills a certain fear that I might will loose my touch. But then again, I think writings like these are the only point where it keeps me balanced on the tight rope. That and tea.

Well that's that then. The Sticky Note series must be stopped now. I cannot promise that I will resume another such meaningless tirade of unhinged thinking again, it's all in the dark.

Till then, shab-bakhair.

R.

Sticky note #29

29th September, 2017.

O insipid carousel of wreck montage, I tried.
I tried to reason with you,
I tried to understand you,
I tried to reach you,
And I think you never cared.

R.

Sticky note #28

28th September, 2017.

Such day.. much wow..

And some beautiful eyes.

R.

Sticky note #27

27th September, 2017.

"To see all things that happens to us as accidents or incidents from a novel, which we read not with our eyes but with life - only with this attitude can we overcome the mischief of each day and the fickleness of events." - F. P.

R.

Sticky note #26

26th September, 2017.

It's pujo.. although I am on the way to lose all my inhibition regarding this, I can't deny the fact that it always helps me around.. kind of paradox.. pujo always had been a constant reminder of a slight uneasiness and at the same time it gives me a comfort.. maybe the clay idol and random stuff, whatever it is, it stays.

It smells of aftershave..

R.

Sticky note #25

25th September, 2017.

One can learn many things from a train journey, which sometimes depends on the train.

Rajdhani trains make you learn comfort and ease, while the rest will actually teach you humility, compromise, intimidation and how not to sleep and these are important.

Oh and you'll also learn that there is no such thing as anda biryani.. chutiya bana rahe hain bas!

Sticky note #24

24th September, 2017.

Kolkata, aami aashchi.

R.

Sticky note #23

23rd September, 2017.

I'll not let my future go on without the help of my soul!

R.

Sticky note #22

22nd September, 2017.

So Ferdinand Pessoa was this modernist poet and philosopher in Lisbon. I recently came across his work and I found something which somehow single-handedly answers a question I've been asking and had been asked a many times. It would only make sense if I put it out here, just a paragraph from his semi autobiography.. here goes...

"Why do I write if I can't write any better? But what would become of me if I didn't write what I can, however inferior it may be to what I am? In my ambitions I'm a plebian, because I try to achieve; like someone afraid of a dark room, I'm afraid to be silent. I'm like those who prize the medal more than the struggle to get it, and savour glory in a fur lined cape."

R.

Sticky note #21

21st September, 2017.

I just realized, there are a few betrayals which are of so grand in scale that humanity finds itself lost.

For example, the orange flavored cigarette.. that too by the company which has given us ultra mild and advanced and regular.. matlab bhenchod kyun? Sutte mein santra kyun? It's like banana in turkey or pineapple in pizza.. or aaloo in biryani..

Like what the actual serious fuck?

R.

Sticky note #20.

20th September, 2017.

There was a paragraph by Ferdinand pessoa which I wanted to use in this note, but unfortunately I cannot find it.. maybe later..

R.

Sticky note #19.

19th September, 2017.

Right now, this note feels more like an obligation rather than being a productive outlet. And that's the point with everything.. at one point of time, we all feel obligated towards something which actually meant to free us or unhinge us a bit.

And at that moment, we should realize the function of everything we do.

Sticky note #18

18th September, 2017.

Fauxlosophic narration, that's what is trendy these days..  trivial vanity of funny conundrum, absolute in its own accord. Yet it's says nothing.

R.

Sticky note #17.

17th September, 2017.

A bit closer, much closer than I assumed it will be. It creeps its way towards me from the dark and despite the fact that I see it coming from a mile away, neither I make any haste to confront it nor does it makes any attempt to cease its assault.

The only point here is that at one point of time, we will be at each other's throats and that'll be my moment of truth or fall.

R.

Sticky note #16

16th September, 2017.

I have often thought of writing a book. A serious book. And the thought has been bothering me even more for the last 2 years.

But that's the paradox of it. The bother of writing a book kills my want to write the book, I feel tiresome about it. And even if I sit down with my pen, nothing comes up or out. I just sit helplessly and then I wander off.

But maybe I will start again.. I think it's worth the effort.

R.

Sticky note #15.

15th September, 2017.

Exactly one year ago, this day was memorable, and it always will be. Exactly one year ago, my almost so deplorable life became important because I was and still am sentimental. And I think I owe much of this to us associating memories to places and things and moments.

So it became memorable, I associate the day with humayuns tomb, and a lot of finality that came with it..

And that's okay. Sometimes we need finalities in life.. sometimes we need stuff to halt or even end, so that something new can begin, or at least save something from going bad.

I will never forget one word of this, I promise. I will never forget the day and what it gave me and took away.

R.

Sticky note #14

14th September, 2017.

I sometimes feel like asking certain people a certain things. A very certain sets of questions.

"Was it supposed to be like this?"

"Are we good?"

And most importantly,

"How are you always?"

Sticky note #13

13th September, 2017.

Fuck tired.. cigarette don't help at times, in turn, it actually is painful..

Wubba lubba dub dub.

R.

Sticky note #12

12th September, 2017.

I was cleaning some stuff out today, old and decrepit stuff, and I found my old diaries from 2013 to 2015.

Now it shouldn't be any surprise to me to have those because I never threw them out, it was more of a mixed surprise to stumble upon those stuff once again. I wasn't sure if I'd like to see them again, but I did.

Some memories are hilarious, in the same vein of being sad and morose. A stroll down the memory lane, as clichéd as it sounds, is not always a happy thing, not a sad thing either. It just is, and so it was with the diaries.

There are stuff in there along with so many things that I wrote as a person back then that I find utterly ridiculous now, so much so, that some of the entries seriously made me doubt of my being, that I, in my right mind and unaltered faculty, wrote those things just as much i believed in them. Some of the entries seems more than outrageous and some were naïve enough to make me feel dumb. At point of time, when I read them now, I see that it was just as good as an outlet I needed to shut the voices around me and the only reason they seem funny and hilarious now is because I grew out of those emotions. Or rather, the emotions are there, I grew out of those memories and time. As uncomfortable and unconventional it might sound, my "trust compass" have changed drastically and I think that all of those entries, some of which were addressed to people/person, now resembles nothing but a bland, fading work of art done by a 5th grader. I'm not saying that I have stopped emoting (which I will like to do), I'm just saying that maybe it was a time when I did stuff and now is a time I don't do stuff, specifically those stuff which made me famous or something. That guy in those pages is no more to be found and possibly that's why I had a good laugh when I read the entries, especially from the month of November. Or I would like to believe so.

That being said, I think we all should write about stuff, we all should keep a diary, especially when we think we are going to die. If you do indeed die, then it's fine; but if you don't, if you survive all those uncalled heartbreaks and loneliness and after some years you read them back, you'll find that there are things that will make you laugh at the end of it.

Maybe share those things, the diaries, with the person now you care about the most and share your stuff with, after all, that's what makes us strong I guess.

R.

Sticky note #11

11th September 2017.

Ungodly hours spent singing requiems,
for someone who knows nothing of dead dreams.

R. 

Sticky Note #10

10th September 2017.

Rene Descartes was always the champion advocate of thinking. As a story goes, once a group of friends visited him one morning only to find him still in his bed. When asked, he replied he was thinking and one shall always strive to reflect and think, that makes humans 'human'.

I was thinking, and I think a lot these days, about happiness. Things that make us happy and what opposes that, it was a general thought process. I came to a sort of conclusion.

Happiness as an emotion or a state of mind is always in a dwindling position. Two things are always true about that - we all want to be happy, for us and others too (depends on your altruism or a general sense). Secondly, we can never be ultimately content; the one who says that he's totally content is lying.

Conclusion - I was happy till I understood that I could have been happier, and that makes me sad. Things don't pan out as I would like them to be, I can only accept and move forward, even if it means I cannot have that particular happiness.

R.

Sticky note #9

9th September, 2017.

I got nothing tonight.

R. 

Sticky note #8

8th September, 2017.

It's the freedom fighters enclave, our new headquarters.. a bit late entry because..well, cigarette and wine.. now to rant..

Sometimes I feel that all these rants, these poetry and mindless banter, these all are nothing advertisement, a public notification that I'm whoring myself for a probable approval. But then, everything is an advertisement and we always whore ourselves, regardless of our intent and denial.

R. 

Sticky note #7

7th September, 2017.

"You are a man of science and reason brother, I can't believe you think of these bullshit things to be true", said ashfaq.

"Yeah well, blame it to fairytales and a bit of experience maybe" I said.

R.

Sticky note #6

6th September, 2017.

From the strangest feeling to a complete nonchalance. Well, nonchalance can be a strong word, I might say I'm trying to shut things up for a bit.

Interestingly, this is a serious change on my part. I am, as of now, someone else.

R. 

Sticky note #5

5th September, 2017.

"Why are you sad?"

"I'm not.."

"But why are you sad though?"

I tell her everything but nothing.

R. 

Sticky note #4

4th September, 2017.

I wouldn't have expected much of me until today when I went to my old college to collect my degree. I find myself entirely detached from that place and the memories that might have been there.

That's what happens when we stop looking back and steer out of social niceties. And maybe, it will happen again. Detachment isn't wrong, it's just misunderstood.

R.

Sticky note #3

3rd September, 2017.

Went out for a cigarette today, I was not in a desperate need.

I just wanted one..

I think it's not the nicotine I'm addicted to, it's my ceaseless wondering about people I think of while I take drags.. and I wonder if I'm just stupid enough. I wonder if it will kill me one day. 

Sticky note #2

2nd September, 2017.

I love philosophy..or philosophising, depends what am I really looking for..

Most of the time I'm just looking for vanity, seldom, like right now, I'm looking for a sense to make.

Ah..promises,promises.

R. 

Sticky note #1

01st September, 2017.

The thing about human flaw is that we are capable of inflicting damage in tremendous amount. At times all it takes really is a couple of carefully chosen words set in a particular manner. Damages are essentially our nature and we can do that. All of us.

What defines us though, is how do we repair the damage done.

R.