23rd July, 2016
How long has it been? A month? More than that? Possibly more
than that. I would say 2 months and 7 days. To be frank, I have a feeling that
it has been a long while since I wrote anything anywhere.
Now, one can ask me if I was practicing any sort of
sabbatical or did I broke all my ties to blogging. Truthfully, I have no answer
to that. I do not know myself the reason for this hiatus. Maybe it was nothing.
But then, I say ‘maybe’, and this word has a lot of implications in a whole lot
of ways. A seed of doubt that gets implanted around this word is a tough one to
shake off.
I wish I can give one definite answer to this question, or
any question that poses itself around me these days. One elegant answer to the
questions that runs along the lines. I can try to accumulate all the fragments
and build a makeshift answer but I am skeptical about the end result.
It was two months ago when I wrote my last rant, and I
remember the reason behind it. Someone asked me to write that particular thing,
I was happy to oblige. It was also the time when I was busy with my internship
and other stuff. Things were going fine and happy and without any moroseness;
I’d say that it was all good.
But then, I have a history of bad omens flying all around me
and I know that such happiness doesn’t sticks too long with me. There will be a
day that will arrive at my doorstep and will break everything that I build. I
cannot do anything but watch it come down to rubbles and I have work from the
scratch.
I don’t want to go to the copious details of everything,
they don’t need to be spoken of nor do they need any more attention than the
already have gathered. Infamous as I am to practically attract all kinds of
stupid ‘controversy’, I try to be as far from them as possible. Suffice to say
that it wasn’t pleasant what happened and what followed was equally repulsive,
if not more. The result of that is basically a month long radio silence and my
hapless hoping and effort, all in vain for the moment. A grim feeling of resignation had already
played its role on my days and as of now; I am suffering from both apathy and
ignorance. Although I generally do not follow that but at the same time my
efforts to build bridges has been ignored. Yes I know that sometimes it is way
too long a wait, but at the same time, I am human being, regardless of my
unnecessary denials of being one and I do crave interaction or atleast a bit of
response. If we don’t reciprocate the feelings, if our effort to reach out is
being ignored and makes us look like a failed clown in a circus, it is bound to
hurt us after a point.
Maybe that apathy has been one of the many myriad reasons as
to why I went to a hiatus. Not that anyone cares. Actually no one does, I
suppose that nobody has even noticed my absence, something that I was
accustomed to. Maybe that sense of solitude that has been so inelegantly
imprinted on me had finally done its job. I was requested nothing but time, to
fix what was broken, and I am more than happy to provide that. For the people I
love, I have nothing but time. As much as they need. But at the same time, it
won’t go amiss if my presence if anything is appreciated or even acknowledged. Some
response will be very nice. A few days ago someone asked me if I ever had felt
that the closest people to us hurt us or not. I believe that the answer needs
not to be explained any further. The closest ones hurts the most and badly. That
pain sometimes is unbearable.
I was told that some time will be needed for everything to
get back on the track. But this is getting nauseous. I feel resigned to the
cruel and demented design of the happenings and apparently I am the only one
who cares. Or so I believe and never before have I been so eager to be proven
wrong.
So anyways, the Saturday night blues must end here. I named
this rant Coming Back to Life and yet, a hard irony abounds, the content here
makes me anything but alive. It triggers my nihilistic sense and the constant
rambles of a broken mind. If anything, I am dead man living.
Anyways.
Regards.
