Choice

                                                    Choice.

Staring bleakly,

as eyes were

caught in a flash,

frozen still and

a chill raced down

the spine, like a

stag, petrified in a sudden

moment of helplessness.

With rancid flashbacks

playing in loops,

a futile, desperate attempt

searching,

a route, exit the history;

or the choice

to slip and let fall

in the dark,

as blood runs

stale and black,

dried.

One sudden shiver, shaking off

the thoughtless prison, the

unnecessary interjection.

One sudden jolt,

like a surge of

life in

a cold, rigid corpse.

Rusted shackles splits

and,

broke free.

That

was a choice too..

The Sand Castle

14th March, 2014.

Human mind, as some would say, seeks some refuge at times of chaos or despair or when in dire need of some moments of peace. I, too being no less than other human, vulnerable to the sentiments and surge of emotions, had created a place for me to seek some refuge, in my mind of course, but it has a physical, materialistic plane too. I prefer to call it the Sand Castle.  No apparent reason for why do I call it that, or maybe I don’t want to speak of it, but it shall be obligatory to state that the sand castle has been created long ago, where I could run away and hide.

After a day filled with laughs and happiness, I returned home last evening. There was fun, yet, I found myself lost for things; a strange feeling of uneasiness dawned on me. Not of unhappiness or despair, just a feeling of lost, a question of me being stranded, but not forsaken.

As I said, sand castle is just not in my head, it has a physical aspect too. Here, it was my terrace. No one goes up there, so it is my own place, to sit and think or to get lost in thoughts or languid pasts, with despair and love alike. I went up there to have some moments of peace.
My terrace provides a beautiful view of my area, especially during evening and night, when the locality is lit up with fluorescent light bulbs and tube lights. The street lights jolts up on their own and the daily routine of a city evening ensues then. The whole cacophony then kind of protrudes out of the area.
I made my way up, found a place to sit with the pale moon lighting the sky, one or two stars glinting without any care and the cold velvety breeze swaying over the city.

I sat there, for a good two hours, lost somewhere, with the sound of city amplifying with every passing moment. The children playing somewhere, women shouting, men who returned from their hard day of herculean labor, having their own moments of peace, some of them high on spirits, hurling abuses at others or snoring nonchalantly. A dog barks somewhere, a devotional function going on in a nearby temple; someone revs his beloved bike and speeds off into the city life... The sound of city amplifies. Yet, I sat there lost, contemplating the view, without any precise thoughts or introspection, deaf to the sounds. I am just there, under a pale moon, a chilly breeze of late spring and some deep sounds. I felt a sense of gratitude; towards everything and everyone who exists, who are there, to tell me that I am not forsaken, lost maybe, but not always alone. I feel grateful, not to god, but to universe, to let me breathe, to live, and more importantly to let me love.
I came back to reality, out of my sand castle. It was late. I whispered a thank you to someone invisible. I returned, smeared with dark silent night, a heart void of doubts and a mind emptied, clarified.

Regards.

a study in spring.

04^th March, 2014.

The title of this particular blog must have told you that this is going to be what one calls retrospection or whatever.

To speak technically, spring ended with a melodramatic scene from a very bad soap opera or T.V show. Not that it started with a shower of phenomenal exuberant feeling, but the least I expected was a fairly better curtain fall. Even though there was not much to go on with, yet it seemed like the month was passing like it was done with the exhilaration.

Yet I can’t complain about it, for there was ample reason to be pleased too…to be frank, this was a bittersweet season, perfectly balanced with some pleasing moments and a tantalizing equilibrium of some not so good moments, mentioning all of them is both unnecessary and herculean as a task, but there are some worth mentioning.

 Like the saraswati pujo; well, it was, um, well not that much. Most of my friends were unavailable, provided that they were busy. Well I tried, called up bohemian (she apologized later, can’t blame her), put some notification on facebook, tried this and that, well it didn’t worked out. On the other hand, book-fair was fun, with Shiv and yes, bohemian was there. Although I was unable to buy any book but the trip was fun..

Coming to college, days here are an amalgamation of all emotions (excluding pre and post a Valentine’s Day sentiment that is), probably for the reason that this is the last semester of our last year, so yes, this was unnecessary but inevitable.

Then there were those bittersweet moments of mood swings, resentments, silent apologies and kiss and make up thereafter, not to mention some senseless issues and laughs with my loved ones, family, and friends.

Some old leaves went to the sand castle, some new ones bloomed. Some are still drifting through the wind, in a hapless effort to settle with the dust down below.

So, ending this ridiculous rant, I would say, although spring was not that rosy, velvety smooth month, not the kind of we see in movies, but rather something indispensably sweet and numbingly fragrant, a taste of kiss…

Regards.