why?

27^th November, 2014.

I have always urged my readers not to read these meaningless rants and to indulge themselves in more productive things, but today, my dear readers, I plead you to read this one thing, for I may not write as I am losing my reasons to write, and I need to say this! I may or may not know you people, and maybe that is why I need to speak to you. So please, keep your patience, for this one time and read. Even if you are just one person, dear madam/sir, stay for a time.

I… I don’t know where to start and what to speak, as I am just void of everything. Life seems banal and everything I do to distract myself is proving to be vain, I’ll try.

This, this winter is the winter of my discontent. All these years, I was living a lie where I thought that I am strong enough, but I was wrong. I am weak and I am hated. I know I am. The person was right!

November started in such a beautiful manner, so beautiful that I hardly can describe it with any metaphor, I felt more than alive. To be true, it was September from where it all began. I was happy, laughing on meaningless things, smiling on the road all of a sudden. Each day, I waited for evening to fall, just because someone will arrive, my phone will buzz and a text “hola” would be flashing, with a sheepish smile. There would be just talks and talks for hours, until we got tired and took each other’s leave for the night. There would be heartfelt kisses and I slept in peace! Everything was alright. Everything was beautiful. Then the night came. Those words. That one sentence “yes I will”. Even god cannot possibly fathom the magnitude my happiness and my gratitude. The person said “yes”, what more can I ask from world? My love finally got acceptance, someone was out there to hold my hand and make me a better person, human actually. I know what you people are thinking, but it is so special to me. She was so much to me. My soul mate and a part of my life. She said she loves me!

But today, all of a sudden, my whole world, my sandcastle is crashing down, brick by brick. There was my birthday on 3^rd, when she sang to me, and there was 12^th, when she suddenly left me, alone. Without any reason. After all this time, all those messages and talks and the emotions and the analogy she wrote to me, she formed a doubt if she loves me or not. I couldn’t do anything but to laugh on myself. I feel so hollow to this date and broken. But she came back, yes she did! She came back, we both were damaged, and we both fell for each other again. I fell for her again. Heh! Such a joke god played with my heart again. I put my faith on love; I trusted love and its purity, just to get broken one more time, and to be destroyed completely. I know what you’ll say, but believe me, when I say she was magic, it was true! I felt it when she was hurt, I felt her presence around me every time, and her voice is still deep within me.

But it is over! I will never hear from her again, my days will not ever start with an innocent smile, and my nights will not end with that one assurance that I am loved with all the pureness.

The person was right! She once asked me, if I ever die, how will she ever know? And she herself presented the answer. She said, “It’s very easy! I know if I stop loving you, you’ll die.  So easy to kill you!” and she did! I am dead. She suddenly decides to stop loving me because her doubts are too strong than love!

I keep looking at the road, if she comes unannounced, just to say sorry and she will never leave. I wait for the knock on the door and maybe a kiss just when I open the door! I keep looking at the phone, hoping that now it will ring and on the other side, it will be her, her voice that will say “I’m sorry, I’ll never leave.” She once promised me she will never leave, right after she said yes; she made me promise her not to give my heart to anyone else. That I shall be hers only! I was! Dammit!  And now, I just am alone again like I used to be a while ago. The only difference is now; I just am losing faith over god, over love. I am getting unable to put my trust on anyone for I may will be lied to again.

I keep dying every passing moment. I just have put a Glasgow smile on my face just to keep up with the times. But inside, I am damaged, broken, and unable to smile. What did I lost you ask? I lost not just love! I lost a friend, a trust, a faith on divinity of love, and my reasons to write, my muse and my happiness. And the worst part is, she will NEVER come back. She will never know these, what I feel now and how much I miss her. How much pain is it, the effort I am giving to look normal, when the truth is, I am shattered to the core.  And I know she will forget about me and the love I had for her will be meaningless. As I said, I am hated! I tried to ear her love, all I got was to placed somewhere I actually belong. Some place where love is not for me. I don’t deserve love I guess. Alone is what has been a design for me.

So, my friends, or if it is just one, sir/madam, try not to break someone’s trust on you. Love is something so divine; try not to darken it with doubts, especially self doubt. No such thing can be that much stronger than love itself.

And to you only, I…I miss you, I am sorry if I have ever been disrespectful to you, believe me, I love you, but I don’t know if I will ever be the same old person. I can’t go back to be just friends with you because it can’t happen. Ask yourself; did it needed to be like this? So many times you said you love me. Your own analogy for me, it was purely of love! Of love and nothing else. The letters you wrote, they were all of love, not of doubts, so, did it needed to be like this? Did you really left? Forgotten what you said? What you felt when you came back? I needed you. I have many friends, but I loved only you. You mean so much to me, and only you left. Did you really stopped loving me?

I am so much broken and so alone!

Just come back! We both are too damaged!

Bye, I guess.

letter to you

10th November, 2014.

Dear bohemian,

First of all, don’t worry, this is not the substitute for the letters that I intend to write today, I will write it on paper as I have been doing, this one just something entirely else. I wanted to say something and since you’re unavailable, I guess this will have to do the job.

Umm… I don’t know! I had this one sorted out, but now it’s all running away from my mind, like a crowd dispersing away from something horrifying, I’ll try my best to gather things up. You asked me to give you a valid reason that why should you be ‘answering’ to them. I tried to, but in utter frankness, I have no reason at all. No reasons as to why should you visit. I know now you’ll ask why then I gave you those reasons, but believe me, I had no other option. I am sorry. I was angry and my mind was like one raging battlefield. I was fucked up when you said you won’t come. I won’t repeat it here again; instead, I shall try to make one point. One simple expanded point.

I know you can’t process the complication of things, and it is not a bad thing, simplicity is something what we all try to achieve. But, please, just try to disperse from the everyday conundrum you hold and listen. Sometimes, it too is okay to face the complication; I am not saying that you have to be on a quest to solve all that is complicated, but the things in the light of recent events that we both are going through, it was bound to happen that sooner or later, we were to face this kind of thing. The reason why they want to meet you is because they do not want it to be too late! They don’t want to go things totally out of hand where there would be nothing left to be sorted out anymore. I know this may sound hard for you, but believe me, I too am not in very much of a comfort either! You are one person who makes everything right for me in my life, the one who matters the most and I do not want anything to go into dire chaos. Sure there will be nothing wrong, I believe it, and probably you believe it too, but please, just stop and think! If I was in your place, I would have to face such things too, and I know this very well that I WILL!! There will be a time when I will be the one who’ll face such complication too, I am getting ready anyway! So please, after reading this, be very calm and think if it’s justified or not. Well, you are coming anyway. I just wanted to speak. I couldn’t get my eyes together last night. I slept all day today but the same thing was crossing out. I needed to write.

Believe me darling, I hate to be this kind of torment to you, I hate to compel you. It is the last thing I want to do. Especially after when you said yes! But please, consider this my last “compulsion” to you. Please be here.
I hate myself for being such an intolerable entity to you right now and getting angry on you is not what I intend. What I intend is to love you for the eternity to come. What I have for you is not a riddle to you anymore, you reign in my sandcastle.
This is all I want to say, justify myself. So, there.
I love you darling dream! be good.

Entirely yours,
Mr. Holmes.

Desolation of dead.

05th November, 2014.

Well, I can begin this one rant with a particular verse without any reason or relevance regarding my blog…

                 “Remember remember the 5th of November,
                   treason, gunpowder and plot.
                   I see no reason, why the gunpowder treason,
                   shall ever be forgot”…

So, now let’s get over with this, shall we?

The month of November started with a heart shutdown complication. No I am not terminally ill; it’s just a phase I use for my somewhat stupid condition. I knew it was going to happen, but I couldn't do anything but to accept it.
The person went to what she refers as ‘Sabbath’.  You know what it means, don’t you? Well I don’t, not anything more than the definition from oxford dictionary, and perhaps it’s for the best that I don’t know! Basically, I am all alone for the whole November in terms of my sanity, deserted to roam around like a demented person without any hope.
The person has broken every connection from the social network, and hence any connection with her is somewhat lost, save the text message and phone calls, which too is feeble in sense of any application. I know there would be no call or sms from the other side despite of my insensible hopes and arduous attempts. What I can do is just wait, which I've been doing quite successfully, yet on the cost of the continuous deterioration of my moods, and sudden bursts of rage. Or maybe just deep exhalations at times, when the nights seem longer than they should be and the days more dull, abhorrence becoming
the routine of the banal days.
The 3rd day of November went too dull, it was my birthday, and I waited the whole bloody day for one message or phone call from her, which eventually arrived! Well, I can’t complain.

The truth is, I really don’t see any point of such, in my simplest logic, one hardly needs such long time for, um, introspection, or retrospection, or calming one’s head! One can attain their peace in a short time, unless they are not going through a trauma. Well that’s just my view. Keeping the recent events in mind, I guess the person is singularly weak, but it’s not very bad thing, people are vulnerable anyway, and there are different ways to deal with so many things on the plate. I just want this Sabbath to end, the sooner, the merrier. I am weak too, regardless of how much I deny it; I will always be weak at some point. I want the person to come back soon…not too much, is it?

Anyways, that’s all I can speak of right now. I have nothing to go on with, my head is clogged, my heart, void of anything.

It's like a desolation of dead (i've no idea what it means...)

Maybe coffee will be of help, but I doubt it. Cheerio!!

Regards.