the post dashami crisis..realizations and hopes

23rd October, 2013.

It is strange how a seemingly small matter can become a turning key of your life.. As I write this down, I find myself in between a rock and a hard place.. something happened which shouldn't have and I am like crushed under an avalanche of emotions..

My previous blogs were about, if I remember it correctly, the pujo's (durga pujo) reminiscence and realizations..the way my previous pujos were and what I've realized in its course..the impacts on my life..who knew, that this pujo was going to be this much extravagant in nature..? Extraordinary things were coursed in the way of my rather pathetic life.. Everything I believed in was to be shattered in one single blow, which did happened..

The durga pujo, has 4 consecutive days of celebration..Shapatami, ashtami, navami and dashami… this year, the pujo was not going as I expected it to be.. my whole plans and schedules were crushed and changed, but it didn’t mattered as later, it was made up.. not to my mark of expectations, I agree, but still.. I mean, its festive seasons and plus, I can’t hold up a grudge for long.

Everything was just fine until the last day of the celebrations, fights were over, hearts were won again, teary apologies and unsaid forgiveness were followed.. but little I knew that Dashami was going to be the day I both resented and waited upon for years.. I fell in love with the most beautiful person I met.. Following a protocol, I won’t be calling her name, but the title I gave her- bohemian.. for reasons I better keep to me.. Back in my school days, I’ve always been resentful towards the notion of “love”.. for me it was a waste of time, talents,resources, and everything creative.. I had always kept myself divorced from it, pissed off on some reasons.. but then, a naïve mind always gets the image of everything it hates as degrading and unworthy. Even in the initial days of my college, I pretended to be an agonistic narcissist guy, with a very little empathy.. but I guess, fate had something else for me..

On dashami, id est., the last day of pujo, bohemian told me that she had been asked out by a friend of ours, that he asked for her hand, she agreed and then suddenly recoiled and declined his proposal.. in a whirlwind she was…the guy who asked her accused of being impractical and deceitful person..(A b*tch in normal language).. well, to be truthful, she is little cranked up for others.. just another girl next door.. me? If you ask, she is more than normal.. why she did it, rejected him, and hurt herself is beyond my authority to judge.. she told me, vaguely, that she had a reason, but I didn’t dared to ask, I knew the answer she’d give will rouse my unwanted curiosity…

Anyways, that moment.. when she told me that she was proposed and she bailed out, I was almost devastated.. the I realized, even I had denied it in front of my friends, I’ve in love with her from the very beginning.. from the moment I met her, I’ve heels over head for her.. for 4 years I kept it inside me.. I just wrote a letter for her with my feelings, but never posted it.. just looked at it and thought that I will send it one day.. I will tell her that I love her from the last point of my heart.. not like the hindi movies, but the kind of love that comes all of a sudden, and wrings your heart, but never found the courage. But that evening, the dam holding the emotions broke out..a flood was ensued.. I decided to give her the letter, without any expectations for a reply.. she read, but to my amazement, she didn’t threw a tantrum like normal people do.. man.. a girl she is..

Anyways, I told her that coming November, it’s gonna be official..she panicked, as a concerned friend, she asked that why am I doing this?? I know that she is going to say no, why don’t I save myself from the heartbreak and false hopes..?? hah..!! lady, if you are reading this..you know how persistent I am,don’t you ?? and who knows, may your heart change your decision..you do take your decisions from your heart, don’t you??

She mentioned that the guy had broken all the contacts and ties with her..that to being a childhood friend.. said that she had cheated on him..but what she actually wanted, was to ask me if I am going to do the same thing if she rejects?..if I had my way,my dear, I would leave my heart with you as a promise that whatever happens, I’ll be there, even if it’s just to annoy you..but leaving you?? Never..!!

Summing up.. I hope that for the first time, if there is god, he answers my prayers..i would need it badly..Readers, who have been bored by now I guess, pray for me..

Good night..

wait..

This letter, I don’t know what will be your reaction after reading this. Worst is you’ll never ever talk to me again.. the best thing, I can’t anticipate.. never was in this kind of position before.. the worst thing is, I don’t know where to begin.. Every time I looked at this letter, I thought of sending this to you, but I never found the courage to do so, perhaps because of the sheer respect for you and your friendship to me, I didn’t wanted our friendship so sacred, to be sacrilege based on this.. fuck, I don’t even have the heart to say this on your face.. so coward that I am writing this letter just after meeting you publicly.. before that, our whole correspondence was on facebook which will, I think, end  after this, but I really don’t have any option..

21^st October 2012, the day was maha saptami of durga puja, when I had the fortune to meet you after a long 12- 13 years or so.. by then, you were just a good friend who happened to be unlike any other random girl for me.. for the first time, there was a person, a female person who was not like any other.. everything you had was different..  not that was usually seen around.. then again we met on 22^nd October, maha ashtami, when you finally decided to be there, to spend the evening with me and ani.. after ani left, we moved towards home, where I waited with you at sheikh sarai bus stand for an hour..

You went, I walked to home for another half an hour.. thinking about everything, every second that I spent with you…the way you talk about things which I initially found irrelevant for me and my tastes..  as usual, I left all these out that night, pretending that its all nonsense.. I have just met you and its entirely normal for anybody to reminisce things which they find worth.. little I knew, this little seed will grow so large that it would be uneasy for me to control..

Then, strangely, as I find it now, our conversation got a unusual boost.. our talks became longer, wider in context, irrelevant however in nature, but very calming.. I started to seek opportunities to start a conversation..anything..god knows, if he’s there, how desperate I had became..my only reason for being on f.b was that I’ll talk to you, and luckily I did.. my fortune suddenly became favourable.. it turned out to be more good when you visited my home.. my god.. that was like the best ever thing that happened.. I can’t thank god enough..

After  this, I grew an unnatural feeling for you.. I can’t really explain..it wasn’t normal for a guy like me..Especially me.. I don’t know what prevailed, but it was good enough to sweep me away from my usual manner.. how many times had I thanked you for turning my tastes towards literature apart from those gruesome criminal things?.. the things which I never read seriously? But that’s different thing entirely.. you’ll now think, which I am sure you are, what the hell is this guy saying ?.. maybe you already know where is this thing going.. but I have to get it out before it destroys me completely..

I’ll try and come to the point dear bohemian.. for we both know, I cant keep twisting things and confusing people.. I fell for you.. yes you read that right, and probably I can guess what you are going through.. I too am going through this same thing..it grew silently, steadily and gave me a devastating shock.. it can’t happen to me.. not that it shouldn’t happen, It can’t.. atleast not with you on the other side of the road.. I found myself going through an enormous guilt feeling that was hard to overcome.. I mean, you were/are like my closest as a friend and it was like killing it, defiling it without empathy or remorse.. I tried everything to keep that particular feeling away..  even the thought of using drugs came in, but I knew that will just make things worse and I will be in everyone’s bad books.. that’s another matter.. the thing is..still, after all this time I kept you out of my mind.. well tried to.. but you kept coming back..like the gust of wind that makes you feel better and sad together.. the way you talk, your manner..(except the punctuality disorder and couple of stuff) your sheer childlike innocence with the combination of a strong mature person who knows to deal things with..your pure emotions for everything and everyone is worth seeing..best thing is, you can make a gruff guy like me smile on silly matters..which I hadn’t done in decades.  I don’t know how or why this happened, but it happened, and good or bad, I don’t know, it happened to me, of which I wasn’t sure of.. I always found myself void of that emotion, that I could actually “like”someone or the extreme, love anybody..

You always ask me, why I am so angry, why I hate love.. I don’t… it was just that I thought, being angry with you, I will see you as a friend only but I think, I was not the one who had a choice.. the more I try the more I fall for you..and the more I find myself in a strange state..even during the pebble theories a week ago, I thought finally!! But no.. you had done what you had done, and it can’t just leave this easily..

By the time you read this, I think, it’ll be to late..wayyy to late!! Maybe you’ll finally get a fine “pebble’’, maybe I’ll get someone too..worst case scenario, you’ll never see my face again, best case scenario, I will be the happiest person..whatever it is, I love you,dear bohemian, and ‘twas always thus, and always thus will be.. the resulting turmoil you are going to face is the greatest regret I would see, but I would be at peace that you at least read it.. you reply, don’t reply, scream at me, shout at me, or accept this, it will be your decision..i just hope that my endeavors to keep this friendship will stay alive after this..

With deepest love

Rishi..

Sorry..?

13th October, 2013

If you are reading this, which I am partially certain of, I am writing this on a blog post because I don’t know what else to do.. suffering from social phobia, as they call it, I always try to avoid  public speaking; so it’ll take a little time,ektu dhoirjyo dhore porish..

Last evening when we met, I was resolute that I’d avoid any conversation with you, and if it compels, the talk would be short.. I was irrationally angry. Even thought of screaming at you on the top of my lungs..thought you at least deserve this much after the previous incident. Deliberately tried the subtle scoldings.. my  anger, if I may  hope you know, is my weakest side.. I can’t control it..
But I guess, among the other temporary things, this particular emotion also fades away after a time..

Please don’t think that I am trying to be modest or trying to flatter you, as I think both of them are perversion of the literal truth.. so what you’ll be reading next is really hard for me to write..
When we’re crossing Chirag delhi area, I stole a glance or two at you..well..to be frank,it was not intentional.. while talking, Shushobhan twice mentioned that you’re  fatigued by the  roaming around..  maybe..he saw what he saw, or what he wanted to see.. I saw something else. Were your eyes gleaming with tears?? Like you were on the verge of bursting into sobs.. thrice you cleared your eyes.. It didn’t went unnoticed you know.. that moment was like a kick to me..

If I leave the last year out, when we met the first time in a night like this one, we’ve been in contact for almost 4 years.. last night, after I reached home and was sleepless, I realised that you, my dear, are the closest person who I can call a friend.. well, you were almost on all occasions, were there when I called or needed you.. In years, the only person after my parents and bhai, were you with whom I babbled like anything.. fights, talks, poor jokes, dilemma solving, advices anything..all of these were with you only..
I don’t know about me. But you made yourself a person with whom I can actually talk with a confident heart and respect.. you may don’t have an idea what is it like to be without any best friend or a normal one either..
It wasn’t just fatigue that was on your face that I saw, it was your entire emotion out (believe me, you cannot hide that).
You may think, if I saw all these, why I didn’t talked then? What was the reason of silence? It wasn’t my anger, it was my disappointment with me..partially you too, for the shasti thing, but that was overlapped with mine.. like the person has been genuinely the best to me is going through some turmoil and the immediate reason was me only.. guilt acts in some strange manner.. I couldn’t talk to you, I knew it won’t help right then..

Shushobhan told me the other day, that he noticed an unnatural love-hate nature between us..i am always bullying you, you are always bullying me and then we make up.. for him this was the greatest sign of a strong friendship.. you remember when during you pebble dilemma messages, you told me that you are like on a journey and yet, you will always look back on me? Even if it meant just to annoy the hell out of me?
So, ending this long boring thing, I would just say, I’m sorry.. I was angry with you because I don’t have any other precise emotion to deal things..and plus I’ve the deepest love for you (you understand what I’m talking about,right?)  I’ve been a narcissist person and will continue to be, but that does not give me the authority to be angry with you for longer than 2 days.. I’ve been very demanding,  hard, complaining, but it was never my intention to hurt you..it never will be.i am not that bad.. I hope after reading this, wholly, I will have my little friend back again..

Always yours,
 Mr. Holmes

p.s now I think there’s another emotion in me :/

"BE A POET"..

30th september,2013.

Buena tarde mis amigos...i know it has been over a month since my last incessant rattling of my rather uninteresting talks..but i can't promise my continuity here,remember..? Oh and about the spanish crap up there, just to be clear before anyone gets a wrong impression, that is the only sentence i know other than, Lo Siento, Mi casa es su casa, and of course the evergreen..HOLA..!!!..
Hm.so, a few days back, someone innocently asked me..- Dude, you read and speak so much about poetry..do you even understand poems..?? A wry smile ran across my face and a counter question escaped..- Tell me my friend, what is your definition of poetry?? Is it just the pre existing meaning that you read in wikipedia??..
But that question really hit me hard, like Tyson's punch..Do i really know what poetry is?? All the works of the biggies like Shelley, Byron, Tennyson, Blake et cetera..whatever i've read in all these years,is it only just for the sake of reading? Yet i tried to answer my friend what was my perception of poetry was..These were my exact words..rest its upto you readers (If Any) to determine if I am right or wrong..

"My first poem,which I reluctantly read,(yes, I HATED THEM INITIALLY) was Night Of the Scorpion by Nissim Ezekiel..that too in class VIIth i think..During that time, my reading habits was dominated by cold,precise criminal fantasies..Hercule Poirot,Sherlock Holmes were my idols and gurus..Then in Xth, i read a poem with utmost attention - Ode To The West Wind by P.B Shelley..it was in my our text book..First, it went over head, then it came a little low so that i can grasp whatever i could..the last line of that poem, 'if winter comes,can spring be far behind?' was the zest of the whole poem..it wasn't just a line ! it was more than that..it turned my stereotypical mindset that poems are for girls and/or men with feminine tendencies..No sir..They are a whole universe within themselves..Then my hunger started growing...I Started reading more and more and more..Byron,Neruda,Whitman Tagore,Sukanto,he,she,they,them whatever i could gather.

Then i realized, that poems are not only words threaded in rhythmical manners,with a certain rule of schemes..unlike novels and stories,where there are hardly any emotions,and if any, just the phony ones, which you have to think,have to hammer your brain,poems, my friend,are your emotions amplified to the limit where it hits the person who reads and interprets it according to their needs..Right from the very feeling of love, they can get the emotion of pure rage from you just on a piece of paper..its like bleeding on paper and then making others bleed too,without much damage..
You ask if you can write too?? Of course..THATS THE BEAUTY OF IT..JUST TAKE A PEN,PAPER and let it come out..don't think...no...just feel..even the most gibberish thing you write,if there is your heart, it'll be a poem for you..And that is what matters the most...Remember mi amigo, WORDS AND IDEAS CAN CHANGE THE WORLD..(yes i took the liberty to quote a movie dialogue..)..So do something my friend..read, write, fall in love and see the world with a difference.."

This is my perception of poetry..no rhythm,no rhymes,no AB AB schemes, just your heart behind it..So pick up a pen..What Have You Written Lately??

Unmasked..

7th September,2013.

I have been lying to myself completely. Lying to somebody else is acceptable to certain extent,but lying to self,even as a consolation,is something very unacceptable. This realization will be much better if it comes as early as possible.
Today I didn't went to college..you possibly can't if you bleed during a shave and then faint out..(darn embarrassing). After a while,Veenu called. Veenu Sapra, Dishant's 4th or 5th girlfriend (man,that guy has some serious bad luck), and a pretty good girl to make a friend.I was introduced to her last year at college festival. She reminded us to meet at Nehru Place for a due treat. I obliged and told her I will be there with Dishant around 2.00.
Sometimes,some events occur so randomly,you don't even see them coming. There was something in  her voice which told me there more than it meets to the eye..it wasn't just the treat,it was something else.

At Epicuria,enjoying our crushers after a pizza party,Veenu fixed her eyes on me and said-"TALK !"
 startled,I asked her to explain what was going on. She let out a number of random burst of stuff,asking,accusing,pleading to me to tell her what's wrong..I was stunned by so many blows uncalled for. After a while, I slowly and as humanely as possible,answered her questions..Dishant sat quietly drinking his choco shake..I told her what's wrong and what has been happening..not all of it,that would've been too much,but she got what she needed to know..Patiently listening to my trash talks,and remaining silent for minutes,scolding me, she said - ''You are the most pathetic liar the world would see..go easy on yourself dude,you are just too hard and destroying yourself..You do too much for others and expect the same..And the worst part, you never let things out even if you are hurt or angry, you just lie to yourself that you will be alright,and keep such things inside..that is destructive dear boy..you need to burst out!" Dishant intervened and said-" your expectations are not much bro, i agree, but at the same time, you expect from people who are not worth of you.."..After this,we chatted for 2 long hours joking,digressing from the serious talks,but my mind was somewhere stuck at that exact moment..Have I really been lying to me?? Or was it just her interpretation of my recent behaviors? My demands,wants,actions? Before leaving, Veenu just said,-''remember,even if you deny this,there are people for you.You just need to call out.Even a faint whisper will do..friend..and stop this nonsense!''
What could I have said against it?..My lies were perhaps unmasked in front of a wise girl and a fair man,I think..!!

Pujo 2013. Reminiscence and realizations #2.

26th August, 2013.

Well, basically, reminiscences are for pleasure of human mind. People like to visit the past when either their present is not that much bright and things looked pretty good back then. Or when an unanticipated event takes place, good, bad doesn't matter..
Today our class ended at 2:00.. After spending almost one and half an hour with Akbar and his land revenue systems,finally our class stood victorious.. Dishant, my classmate and friend left the college earlier, apologising to me for that..(girlfriend issues). I decided to walk home,even though i've been advised time and again to take an autorickshaw but I prefer to walk.
My school comes on the way home from college, along with shiv mandir and b block park,where i saw the heap of bamboos kept for the pandals for durga pujo. It didn't bothered me until I crossed my school, which coincidentally was over. Students were going home. Some in buses,vans, some walked like me..And then it came crashing down.. 3 years back, when i was in school, well, my last year in school, it occurred me then that after this,the most important thing of my school days will be over. During my school days, i used the bus services. In the morning, during the pujo month I waited eagerly for a very important view..the bamboos kept in the parks and mandir for the pandals where the pujo will be held, and then i boasted about it to my mother.Ma just laughed. I never understood why she did that, and till date she carries it on. Today, i was taken right in 2002, when all these started, and then realized that none of them will be back. I stood there in front of my school watching all these students, laughing, hooting, shouting,seizing the days..They didn't had a darn care for the world so to speak. Students who knew me, greeted me with the warmest regards and went their way. They don't know it yet, that all of these will be a part of their memories in coming years ; ignorance is such a bliss. By the time they will realize this bitter fact, everything will be like a scented smoke in air,just the fragrance will remain. I just hope that their memories are worth visiting.
After a while, unsuccessfully trying to control the tears from coming out,with a deep sigh,I stepped the road to home.

pujo 2013..reminiscence and realizations #1

19th August,2013.

me-"Ma!! Ma!??....MOOMMM???"

my mother-"what?? why are you screaming like there's a fire?"

me-look at the t.v..the ad..do you see?

ma-what?

me-pujo ad..only 2 months left!! do you see?

ma-OH YES..and plus starts your pujo lunacy...

This conversations takes place every year..that has been my personal custom for almost 6-7 years. Just after the monsoon ends, when the sky is done with the gloom and dark clouds, the sun shines to its fullest, like it has been longing to do that for a long time. The clouds which has been wrapped in a torpor, suddenly wakes up, all bright and shaped like perfect balls of cotton as we were taught in our childhood just to quench our queries. Autumn arrives. Leaves start to turn yellow and red, like all the trees are on fire, screaming for some attention from the passerby, like the rains has washed all the green out of them, giving them an exotic color of  calm flames. Heaps of decayed leaves can be seen on roadside and sometimes the suppressed yet unquenchable temptation kicking the heap comes out. Mood swings, from despondence to a strange, mixed emotion of both sadness and exuberance.

For me, autumn is something else entirely.. as mentioned, the month of durga pujo arrives this month..Suddenly the uneventful, stagnant life turns as extreme as it can be. The whole year, as it goes, is typically boring, with some touch of happiness, so the 4 days of pujo becomes..good.. last year I realized that pujo, for me, means something else entirely. All these years, I have looking it from a straight, confined point of view. Only thing I knew back then had became meaningless now. It took me almost 4-5 years to change my perspective.. but then, all the good things are for those who are patient enough. Last year’s pujo was somewhat conscience altering, for it made me realize that life is not only about serious things, now and then, I, we, should do mindless silly bat crap crazy things once in a while.. and, if anything, people around you do matter, no matter how hard you try to deny this simple fact..

Heh ! Realizations are hard hitting, especially when it comes unexpected..

That’s all for now, I guess.. hope to be realize more..