The rude muse.

13th December, 2014.

I know, I may have stated before that I won’t write anymore, but writing is something I can’t stop indulging in. So yeah, either enable me by keep on reading, or find something more useful to do in this fine evening and an equally fine weather.

Speaking of weathers, I woke up this morning to be greeted by a new fog, quietly engulfing the city or my locality at least. And it has been raining here since the afternoon. Well not exactly raining, I don’t know in the least what to call it, but I will refrain from going into a grammatical debate, or a debate of nomenclature or etymology.

As I was saying, the day started with a fog, and usual to my nature, I was kind of sucked into a delusional abyss. Winter and I share quite a history I guess. And it’s a quite strange one. There was a time when I almost died, perhaps the winter of 1993. I was just some 1 or a half month old, and almost had a brush with death. Thrice! I won’t delve much deeper into that, as to what or how, but long since I was made aware of this fact, I had a different kind of attraction towards winter and her antics. She has been rude and lethal to me, both in the aspects of physicality and emotional content.

 Believe me, when one comes to know about his almost short mortality, perceptions about a certain things change. Mine did too! It’s always the winter when something traumatic has occurred in my life. She is cold, harsh, unforgiving, damaging, and almost destructive. Yet, I can’t stop myself from loving her. Her cold touch shreds into my skin and freezes my bones, her foggy shroud makes my vision opaque, both inside and out, and I can’t see anything. Yet I love her. Maybe because winter gives me a reason to think and introspect about things. Yes, she is harsh, but it is not her fault!  And to be faithful, it is always winter only when something beautiful has happened. Something poetic, something criminally unjust, it was always her. But it’s okay. I think we both have something in common. Practically misunderstood by everyone maybe. Maybe that’s why she is illogically rude to me. Or maybe it is her love that I confuse with rudeness sometimes. In any case, I know she will keep destroying me. All my attempts to be safe will fail, regardless how hard I try. For the rest of my life. And it is so calming. It was one winter when I came to exists. Maybe it will be a winter of my destruction.

It’s windy out there. I can hear the windows smashing. It is going to be cold enough. I shall take my leave. I need to go for a walk, feel the cold. Its been a while.

Regards.

P.s – this has to be the stupidest rant! I apologize to my readers. I will try and makes sense in my upcoming blabbers.

winter of discontent

07th December, 2014.

December, by all means, started with two things. A sincere but broken heart and a raging mind. Oh by the way, I see I have a new follower, and I must say that I am surprised! And I can’t take all the credit. I know that my rants aren’t that good to attract readers, so I shall thank the guy (person and friend, who himself owns a rugged blog!) who mentioned me in one of his blog. And you, my dear new reader, who goes by the name Ipsita (I was going to use terms like nom de plume or nom de gurre, but it’s stupid at times), I welcome you here, in the world of pure blabber, spontaneous outbursts and occasional emotional cries and whines (though I prefer to refrain from doing the last one, but since I am no less superior human being…). Please be comfortable, and feel free to opine, criticize, read, laugh, smirk and whatever a good reader does.

Let’s just get over with the rants, shall we?

As I was speaking, December started where November ended, in a state of stagnation and loneliness. The person has ended all the contacts with me whatsoever, and I am just left to my own devices, and I do not have many devices to go on with. I don’t have a huge number of friends, I can actually count them off on my fingers, and as far as indulging in the habits of substance abuse is concerned, one goldflake large size doesn’t helps. I tried to reason with the person. I know it is stupid and vain, for we possibly cannot reason with feelings, but if one is adamant to deny every iota of feelings, and doubt the self, I guess, it becomes our responsibility, not just as the “lover” but as a friend too, to hold them and assure them that everything is okay! I tried too, I promised her that I would put her together if she falls; yet, I am here, falling into an abyss, with practically no one to save me. I know I am a damaged good and that’s about it. I don’t say that I am betrayed, but I just am going down. Slowly and in a manner most lethal. Broken and damaged. I know she had those feelings for me. Everybody lies, but they cannot lie this much.

If one looks out of my balcony, across the roofs on the other side, one will see a waving flag. A yellow flag, with an insignia of OM and lord Shiva on it. I don’t know how it is relevant, but it reminds me of her. The waving flag in a winter afternoon and an empty chair that was to be occupied by her presence. So easy it is for some people to break certain promises they made, along with the hearts who held them above all. But I guess, I don’t matter anymore! Or even if I do, she is not going to admit it.

Raging mind I said! I am trying to keep myself busy in the pages of Agatha Christie, Conan Doyle, and Nick Meyers. Even Engels and Marx, and I am quite successful through the day. But the moment I close my eyes, everything from sandcastle comes back flooding. One bloody year! And people want me to move on! Why? No reason whatsoever has been provided to me. And I know the person is not even concerned. I don’t know. I know if I give my reasons and plea, almost everyone will admit in agreement, but not her. Well, what can I say? I can’t just forget! I am too cursed for that. I don’t forget. I am trying to build this wall, but I can’t save myself from this haunting.

Well, I just hope that she realizes what she meant to me. And for once and all, just come back! You’ve done enough damage already and you only you can make it better.  Go through your journals and everything, you’ll know you're in love with me too. Stop denying yourself. Comeback!

That’s all I have to say, dear bohemian! C’est fini!

Regards.

p.s- to my new reader, if you're reading this, i read your blogs too.you write good! keep it up! and thanks! cheers!

why?

27^th November, 2014.

I have always urged my readers not to read these meaningless rants and to indulge themselves in more productive things, but today, my dear readers, I plead you to read this one thing, for I may not write as I am losing my reasons to write, and I need to say this! I may or may not know you people, and maybe that is why I need to speak to you. So please, keep your patience, for this one time and read. Even if you are just one person, dear madam/sir, stay for a time.

I… I don’t know where to start and what to speak, as I am just void of everything. Life seems banal and everything I do to distract myself is proving to be vain, I’ll try.

This, this winter is the winter of my discontent. All these years, I was living a lie where I thought that I am strong enough, but I was wrong. I am weak and I am hated. I know I am. The person was right!

November started in such a beautiful manner, so beautiful that I hardly can describe it with any metaphor, I felt more than alive. To be true, it was September from where it all began. I was happy, laughing on meaningless things, smiling on the road all of a sudden. Each day, I waited for evening to fall, just because someone will arrive, my phone will buzz and a text “hola” would be flashing, with a sheepish smile. There would be just talks and talks for hours, until we got tired and took each other’s leave for the night. There would be heartfelt kisses and I slept in peace! Everything was alright. Everything was beautiful. Then the night came. Those words. That one sentence “yes I will”. Even god cannot possibly fathom the magnitude my happiness and my gratitude. The person said “yes”, what more can I ask from world? My love finally got acceptance, someone was out there to hold my hand and make me a better person, human actually. I know what you people are thinking, but it is so special to me. She was so much to me. My soul mate and a part of my life. She said she loves me!

But today, all of a sudden, my whole world, my sandcastle is crashing down, brick by brick. There was my birthday on 3^rd, when she sang to me, and there was 12^th, when she suddenly left me, alone. Without any reason. After all this time, all those messages and talks and the emotions and the analogy she wrote to me, she formed a doubt if she loves me or not. I couldn’t do anything but to laugh on myself. I feel so hollow to this date and broken. But she came back, yes she did! She came back, we both were damaged, and we both fell for each other again. I fell for her again. Heh! Such a joke god played with my heart again. I put my faith on love; I trusted love and its purity, just to get broken one more time, and to be destroyed completely. I know what you’ll say, but believe me, when I say she was magic, it was true! I felt it when she was hurt, I felt her presence around me every time, and her voice is still deep within me.

But it is over! I will never hear from her again, my days will not ever start with an innocent smile, and my nights will not end with that one assurance that I am loved with all the pureness.

The person was right! She once asked me, if I ever die, how will she ever know? And she herself presented the answer. She said, “It’s very easy! I know if I stop loving you, you’ll die.  So easy to kill you!” and she did! I am dead. She suddenly decides to stop loving me because her doubts are too strong than love!

I keep looking at the road, if she comes unannounced, just to say sorry and she will never leave. I wait for the knock on the door and maybe a kiss just when I open the door! I keep looking at the phone, hoping that now it will ring and on the other side, it will be her, her voice that will say “I’m sorry, I’ll never leave.” She once promised me she will never leave, right after she said yes; she made me promise her not to give my heart to anyone else. That I shall be hers only! I was! Dammit!  And now, I just am alone again like I used to be a while ago. The only difference is now; I just am losing faith over god, over love. I am getting unable to put my trust on anyone for I may will be lied to again.

I keep dying every passing moment. I just have put a Glasgow smile on my face just to keep up with the times. But inside, I am damaged, broken, and unable to smile. What did I lost you ask? I lost not just love! I lost a friend, a trust, a faith on divinity of love, and my reasons to write, my muse and my happiness. And the worst part is, she will NEVER come back. She will never know these, what I feel now and how much I miss her. How much pain is it, the effort I am giving to look normal, when the truth is, I am shattered to the core.  And I know she will forget about me and the love I had for her will be meaningless. As I said, I am hated! I tried to ear her love, all I got was to placed somewhere I actually belong. Some place where love is not for me. I don’t deserve love I guess. Alone is what has been a design for me.

So, my friends, or if it is just one, sir/madam, try not to break someone’s trust on you. Love is something so divine; try not to darken it with doubts, especially self doubt. No such thing can be that much stronger than love itself.

And to you only, I…I miss you, I am sorry if I have ever been disrespectful to you, believe me, I love you, but I don’t know if I will ever be the same old person. I can’t go back to be just friends with you because it can’t happen. Ask yourself; did it needed to be like this? So many times you said you love me. Your own analogy for me, it was purely of love! Of love and nothing else. The letters you wrote, they were all of love, not of doubts, so, did it needed to be like this? Did you really left? Forgotten what you said? What you felt when you came back? I needed you. I have many friends, but I loved only you. You mean so much to me, and only you left. Did you really stopped loving me?

I am so much broken and so alone!

Just come back! We both are too damaged!

Bye, I guess.

letter to you

10th November, 2014.

Dear bohemian,

First of all, don’t worry, this is not the substitute for the letters that I intend to write today, I will write it on paper as I have been doing, this one just something entirely else. I wanted to say something and since you’re unavailable, I guess this will have to do the job.

Umm… I don’t know! I had this one sorted out, but now it’s all running away from my mind, like a crowd dispersing away from something horrifying, I’ll try my best to gather things up. You asked me to give you a valid reason that why should you be ‘answering’ to them. I tried to, but in utter frankness, I have no reason at all. No reasons as to why should you visit. I know now you’ll ask why then I gave you those reasons, but believe me, I had no other option. I am sorry. I was angry and my mind was like one raging battlefield. I was fucked up when you said you won’t come. I won’t repeat it here again; instead, I shall try to make one point. One simple expanded point.

I know you can’t process the complication of things, and it is not a bad thing, simplicity is something what we all try to achieve. But, please, just try to disperse from the everyday conundrum you hold and listen. Sometimes, it too is okay to face the complication; I am not saying that you have to be on a quest to solve all that is complicated, but the things in the light of recent events that we both are going through, it was bound to happen that sooner or later, we were to face this kind of thing. The reason why they want to meet you is because they do not want it to be too late! They don’t want to go things totally out of hand where there would be nothing left to be sorted out anymore. I know this may sound hard for you, but believe me, I too am not in very much of a comfort either! You are one person who makes everything right for me in my life, the one who matters the most and I do not want anything to go into dire chaos. Sure there will be nothing wrong, I believe it, and probably you believe it too, but please, just stop and think! If I was in your place, I would have to face such things too, and I know this very well that I WILL!! There will be a time when I will be the one who’ll face such complication too, I am getting ready anyway! So please, after reading this, be very calm and think if it’s justified or not. Well, you are coming anyway. I just wanted to speak. I couldn’t get my eyes together last night. I slept all day today but the same thing was crossing out. I needed to write.

Believe me darling, I hate to be this kind of torment to you, I hate to compel you. It is the last thing I want to do. Especially after when you said yes! But please, consider this my last “compulsion” to you. Please be here.
I hate myself for being such an intolerable entity to you right now and getting angry on you is not what I intend. What I intend is to love you for the eternity to come. What I have for you is not a riddle to you anymore, you reign in my sandcastle.
This is all I want to say, justify myself. So, there.
I love you darling dream! be good.

Entirely yours,
Mr. Holmes.

Desolation of dead.

05th November, 2014.

Well, I can begin this one rant with a particular verse without any reason or relevance regarding my blog…

                 “Remember remember the 5th of November,
                   treason, gunpowder and plot.
                   I see no reason, why the gunpowder treason,
                   shall ever be forgot”…

So, now let’s get over with this, shall we?

The month of November started with a heart shutdown complication. No I am not terminally ill; it’s just a phase I use for my somewhat stupid condition. I knew it was going to happen, but I couldn't do anything but to accept it.
The person went to what she refers as ‘Sabbath’.  You know what it means, don’t you? Well I don’t, not anything more than the definition from oxford dictionary, and perhaps it’s for the best that I don’t know! Basically, I am all alone for the whole November in terms of my sanity, deserted to roam around like a demented person without any hope.
The person has broken every connection from the social network, and hence any connection with her is somewhat lost, save the text message and phone calls, which too is feeble in sense of any application. I know there would be no call or sms from the other side despite of my insensible hopes and arduous attempts. What I can do is just wait, which I've been doing quite successfully, yet on the cost of the continuous deterioration of my moods, and sudden bursts of rage. Or maybe just deep exhalations at times, when the nights seem longer than they should be and the days more dull, abhorrence becoming
the routine of the banal days.
The 3rd day of November went too dull, it was my birthday, and I waited the whole bloody day for one message or phone call from her, which eventually arrived! Well, I can’t complain.

The truth is, I really don’t see any point of such, in my simplest logic, one hardly needs such long time for, um, introspection, or retrospection, or calming one’s head! One can attain their peace in a short time, unless they are not going through a trauma. Well that’s just my view. Keeping the recent events in mind, I guess the person is singularly weak, but it’s not very bad thing, people are vulnerable anyway, and there are different ways to deal with so many things on the plate. I just want this Sabbath to end, the sooner, the merrier. I am weak too, regardless of how much I deny it; I will always be weak at some point. I want the person to come back soon…not too much, is it?

Anyways, that’s all I can speak of right now. I have nothing to go on with, my head is clogged, my heart, void of anything.

It's like a desolation of dead (i've no idea what it means...)

Maybe coffee will be of help, but I doubt it. Cheerio!!

Regards.

White board syndrome

16th October, 2014.

I have a white board in my room. White magnetic board, kind of the one that is used in coaching classes, with some broken magnets I acquired from toy motors and speakers. The off white smooth surface has been there for me for years, keeping up with the whims and fancies I put it through without any complain (well it is an inanimate object so it won’t even make a sound if I put it on fire but…).

It’s after months that I cleaned my board, the unnecessary bits of papers, information that I jotted down in black bold marker ink on it, ideas and notes to self, everything. It was crowded and I needed a new space to put up new ideas, new information and stuff like that. Dusting sometimes helps you to understand things in their own way. I understood nay realized something last night. Funny how you intend to read something and only then your mind takes a walk, wanders off to unravel the mysteries of universe.

The pale light of my table lamp was illuminating my otherwise dark room as I was flipping through the pages of Hamlet, then To kill a mocking bird and finally through Modern India – 1857 to 1947 absent mindedly (yes you need to know that! I am showing off!), when I noticed the blank white board on the wall (mind you, I say noticed because I really didn’t noticed the surface for a long time), and it got me thinking, don’t we all have a white board with us? Hanging somewhere inside, always there yet unnoticed?  We see things, hear and feel things and the most relevant ones gets to be put up on the board for a long time, regardless of its any apparent use. Sometimes it just is a song which we don’t know but we hum absently, some words we read somewhere on the road and it happens to be at our disposal without any notice yet at the appropriate time of its need. Sometimes it is a feeling we get and it maybe hurtful or joyful or an amalgamation of both!

And there always comes a time when we just want to wipe off everything clean off the board, not even a slight stain of such ink remains. I’m not saying that we want to be some heartless bastard with issues, sometimes it just needs a new, clean surface to think feel and jot down things again! Indeed it makes us vulnerable, any clean and clear surface is vulnerable, bound to be stained with some ink sooner or later, but then, such vulnerability is worth. It is better to be stained than just being a blank board with nothing but years of dust. Sure you do need the occasional cleaning and you do need to throw out the unwanted bits, the things we don’t need, they just are occupying the space for anything new.  I don’t know how we do it, or should do it, the cleaning, but it is pretty much just like the way we actually clean a real white board. With a mug of water and a sponge (again some stupid metaphor, I don’t know what it means though).

I was thinking all this nonsense, floating adrift on some sky, wandering on the streets of some unknown land when a buzz on my phone pulled me back to my reality. A text message. The time was 12.06 am. It read “I am sad”… my white board was about to be stained again!

So, clean your boards, I am sure you have one. It is fun and more importantly, it helps!

Regards.

Winter is Coming

10th October, 2014.

Winter is coming! Yes I did use this precise quote on purpose, and no, I am not a diehard fanatic of game of thrones, I don’t even like that show. Yes I know that I may have pissed a lot of people, but then, I hardly am here to please the common lot! So, I’ll just let this pass and go on with the rant (remember, it is always the choice either to enable me by keep reading or just leave and indulge in the far more important things in a free evening).

Now as to why I used the line is a matter of perspective. For a few days it has been a routine for me to go for jogging, which is somewhat tiring (I am not morbidly obese, but physical exercise hasn’t been my strong suit exactly), but there is its own perks of early mornings. My younger brother is a fitness freak and it was his idea that I should accompany him in the morning. Believe me when I say this, 2 kilometers of a jog can be lethal if you are not accustomed to such cardio, and by the time I reach home, I am bathed in sweat and my breath is playing hula hoops inside, but let’s not go any far into that.

The park in the morning is full of people and there are two categories by far. Serious fitness nutjobs and enthusiasts…okay make it three, morbidly obese people who are there to prove something, which is a good thing. A closer observation will show ruddy teenagers who will start pull-ups in a moment’s notice whenever a slightly fairer dame passes by in her jogging dress (possibly a resident of g.k 2, bhai told me how to be certain).

I like the park (or forest for that matter). Especially during this time. By the middle of October, the advent of winter is practically evident in there. The surety of the winter chill is hard to miss when you leave the warm bed early wearing just a t-shirt and running pants, with sleep still razing your eyes. I mean it is neither too cold nor too warm.  The forest is not as green as it might sound, just imagine a forest in the middle of the city and you’ll know.

However, the silences there is irresistible and kind, avoiding the monotonous cacophony of the constant honking and slur remarks of the local public transport drivers… even if it is for an hour, the only sounds that you’ll ever come across in the forest is the rhythmic falling footsteps of the joggers, the laughs of old men of the laughing club and the panting for breath of people exercising. The slightly elevated path and the downward slopes in bricks and the huge dry trees that are the singularity of any ridge area of Delhi provides an ample amount of time just to sit there and take a deep breath and to forget that you live in a city that is the epitome of sound and loudness, the forest area amplifies these subtly sublime moments. And I can somewhat vouch for the fact that October is behaving like October…I like the smell of October air, it is inexplicable but not hard to miss, try it sometime! Leave your home for a walk in the oncoming chilly morning and maybe you’ll find a breath too.  Winter is coming!

Regards.

P.S – this one is probably the worst rant by far… I think a cup of tea will help… cheerio!